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 [quote="The Potter"]Teacher: If I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits will you have? Johnny: Seven, Sir Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits,, and then another two rabbits, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven. Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two apples, how many apples will you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good! Now if I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits will you have? Johnny: Seven!!! Teacher: Where the %&\$# do you get seven from?!?!? Johnny: Because I %&\$#ing have one at home!!![/quote]
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Zag
Posted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 12:23 pm    Post subject: 1

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of \$1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of \$72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with \$96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chiefs' weenie and began to work back.
"Dear Lord," he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, "In Vietnam.''
The Potter
Posted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 4:50 am    Post subject: 0

"Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
The Potter
Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 11:54 pm    Post subject: -1

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn. A Gamekeeper shouts, "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!"

The man replies, "My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that in English for me."

The keeper replies, "I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!"
Chuck
Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2013 11:58 pm    Post subject: -2

The Potter
Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:37 pm    Post subject: -3

Teacher: If I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits,, and then another two rabbits, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two apples, how many apples will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good! Now if I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the %&\$# do you get seven from?!?!?
Johnny: Because I %&\$#ing have one at home!!!
Quailman
Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:14 pm    Post subject: -4

In this New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.
Chuck
Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 2:58 pm    Post subject: -5

Chuck
Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 3:19 pm    Post subject: -6

Chuck
Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 4:05 pm    Post subject: -7

Chuck
Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 2:55 pm    Post subject: -8

The Potter
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 7:03 am    Post subject: -9

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Chuck
Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2012 6:27 am    Post subject: -10

Gomez
Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 1:43 pm    Post subject: -11

Not sure if I've done this one before...

Quote:

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.

"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"

"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"

"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"

"'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" says the agent.

"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".

The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.

"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"

"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, get up to makeup straight away.

So he runs up to make up. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl.

"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"

"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"

So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager.

"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"

"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', get on there, the curtains about to go up"

So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.

Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
bonanova
Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 11:20 am    Post subject: -12

Renι Descartes was flying home from a conference when the flight
attendant asked, "Monseur Descartes, would you like a cocktail?"
To which the philosopher replied, "I think not," and disappeared.

I heard this on a Ray Smullyan tape made for Martin Gardner a few years before Gardner died. It was a greeting between close friends and contained some subtle, low-key humor. This was the best if it, to my thinking. Of course, it didn't really happen, because There were no flight attendants in Descartes' time.
Zag
Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 8:43 pm    Post subject: -13

Elethiomel wrote:
Ok, I admit it. I don't get it.

You have to read the spoilered part. I don't really see why he bothered to spoiler it.
Elethiomel
Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 8:21 pm    Post subject: -14

Ok, I admit it. I don't get it.
Quailman
Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 7:04 pm    Post subject: -15

A woman was walking her doberman pinscher one day when she ran into a good friend who was taking her chihuahua for a walk. They stopped and began chatting. After a while the first woman said, "Let's go have a drink at that pub down the street."

The second woman said, "They'll never let us in with our dogs."

The doberman's owner said, "Just watch me and do what I do.". She gets a pair of dark sunglasses out of her purse, puts them on, and approaches the door.

The bouncer says, "You can't bring that dog in here.". "But it's a seeing eye dog." "A doberman?" "Yes. They're using them a lot as seeing eye dogs now.". So he lets her in.

The other woman dons her dark shades and walks confidently up to the door. "You can't bring that dog in here." says the bouncer. "But it's a seeing eye dog." "A doberman maybe but no way is a chihuahua a seeing eye dog." "A CHIHUAHUA??? They gave me a CHIHUAHUA???".

[edited to unspoiler]
novice
Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 5:57 pm    Post subject: -16

LordKinbote wrote:
novice wrote:
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.

Psssh, I've known about that joke for a while.

LordKinbote
Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 5:54 pm    Post subject: -17

novice wrote:
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.

Psssh, I've known about that joke for a while.
novice
Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 11:32 am    Post subject: -18

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.
Chuck
Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 2:53 pm    Post subject: -19

Death Mage
Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 1:30 pm    Post subject: -20

It would work better without the watermark in the corner.
The Potter
Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 5:47 am    Post subject: -21

Testing the new embedded video tags...

Chuck
Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2012 4:13 am    Post subject: -22

The Potter
Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2012 5:21 am    Post subject: -23

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

"Impossible!"' said the groom broom.

--

I know... I know... there needs to be more build up

--

--

"We haven't even swept together!"
The Potter
Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2012 5:18 am    Post subject: -24

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

Bump....

BUMP...

BUMP....

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

hello to our friendly invisible text readers

The coffin stops

Chuck
Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 5:14 am    Post subject: -25

Chuck
Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 3:35 pm    Post subject: -26

Chuck
Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 9:19 pm    Post subject: -27

Chuck
Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 2:35 pm    Post subject: -28

Jack_Ian
Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 1:04 pm    Post subject: -29

"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."  Stewart Francis

"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."  Tim Vine

"I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."  Will Marsh

"You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."  Rob Beckett

"I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet  I don't know Y."  Chris Turner

"I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."  Tim Vine

"Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."  George Ryegold

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"  Stewart Francis

"I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."  Lou Sanders

"My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism  she wouldn't fancy her chances."  Nish Kumar

"Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?"  Dan Antopolski

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."  Nick Helm
Chuck
Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 4:45 pm    Post subject: -30

Chuck
Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 1:52 pm    Post subject: -31

extropalopakettle
Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 8:45 pm    Post subject: -32

Quailman wrote:
I'm in New Orleans. The number of drunks walking aroung the French Quarter is staggering.

I'll be there Aug 12th through 17th (approximate). With the family. If you were there, I'd have an excuse to get away from them. Hell, I'll just say you're there. Thanks for the idea.
Quailman
Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 7:33 pm    Post subject: -33

I'm in New Orleans. The number of drunks walking aroung the French Quarter is staggering.
Chuck
Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 3:44 pm    Post subject: -34

Chuck
Posted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:39 pm    Post subject: -35

The Great Crep'er
Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 7:35 am    Post subject: -36

Dragon Phoenix wrote:
Three guys meet in the waiting room of the Guiness Book of Records Office. They strike up a conversation waiting for the office to open. The first guy says: "I am here because I have the smallest ears in the world!" The second guy says: "I am here because I have the smallest toes in the world!" The third guy hesitates a moment, and then comes out: "I am here because I have the smallest penis in the world. Nothing to brag about, but if it gets me in the record books, I'm happy."

The first guy gets called in and comes out 10 minutes later with a big smile and a certificate that he is officially recognized as having the smallest ears in the world. He decides to wait how the others are doing. The second guy goes in and comes back after 10 minutes with a certificate that he is officially recognized as having the smallest toes in the world. The third guy is next, and after 10 minutes he comes out raging for anger, yelling "Who the fuck is Justin Bieber??"

"The size of the dislike bar is Justin Bieber's penis!"
Dragon Phoenix
Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 8:19 pm    Post subject: -37

Three guys meet in the waiting room of the Guiness Book of Records Office. They strike up a conversation waiting for the office to open. The first guy says: "I am here because I have the smallest ears in the world!" The second guy says: "I am here because I have the smallest toes in the world!" The third guy hesitates a moment, and then comes out: "I am here because I have the smallest penis in the world. Nothing to brag about, but if it gets me in the record books, I'm happy."

The first guy gets called in and comes out 10 minutes later with a big smile and a certificate that he is officially recognized as having the smallest ears in the world. He decides to wait how the others are doing. The second guy goes in and comes back after 10 minutes with a certificate that he is officially recognized as having the smallest toes in the world. The third guy is next, and after 10 minutes he comes out raging for anger, yelling "Who the fuck is Justin Bieber??"
Chuck
Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 12:30 am    Post subject: -38