How To Fake Being A Limey

[worm]

i was under the impression that you could call someone a wanker and get a laugh out of them, but if you call them a tosser you're likely to get into a fight.

[Stuie]

p'raps you're right, 'wanker' is a more playful term. also, 'tosser' is a much easier word to spit out angrily.

[The Ragin' South Asian]

maybe tosser is short for salad tosser

[Kd]

Ooooh.... I can update this thing!

The New Class Of Brit - The 'Chav'

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the show. Today, we're looking at a fairly new and bloody annoying trend in the British youth of today - the 'chav'.

Very much in the same way as a goth or a tweeny-popper can be easily defined by their tastes and actions, a chav is simple to spot. Burberry caps, cheap jewellery, and tracksuits are the order of the day, with many also sporting mobile phones permanently glued to their ears. Chav girls are always seen in the latest fashions, and are a little more difficult to spot, but large hoop earrings and a 'Croydon facelift'* give them away.

If you cannot see a chav, then you can certainly hear them a mile off. To put it simply - if swearing were to be banned, then the chavs would lose roughly 75% of their vocabulary. The most popular 'clean' words are:

innit, y'know, yeah, like, safe, sorted, shut up.

If you can understand anything a chav says, then you are either incredibly multi-lingual or you are a chav yourself.

Names are very very important in chav culture, and they are always a little less conventional than Jane or Mark. Your average chav boy is called Storm, and his female equivalent is Cheyenne. If not, then you can bet their kids get the names instead. Speaking of kids, it is worth noting that any chav girl who isn't pushing her own baby around in a pram by 14 is considered frigid, infertile or a 'lezzer'.**

Next time, we take a peek into the world of British Public Transport.

*Croydon facelift - a ponytail pulled so tight that it moves your scalp backwards.
**Lezzer - slang for lesbian.

[Cousin Banjo]

[Highest Prime]

[Kd]

Public Transport In Britain

If you want to get somewhere without using any of your own, precious fuel, then you use the plentiful supply of public transportation. This method of travel is immensely popular, for several reasons.

It may seem blindingly obvious, but the biggest and best form of public transit is - WALKING. Yes, folks, we may have one of the highest obesity levels in the world, but damn, our people can still move those legs. The average Brit does more running than walking, however, and this is usually in a vain attempt to flee the police after crashing their getaway vehicle.

Buses are a relatively acceptable way to travel, but they run on an inversely proportional ratio of people to efficiency. This means that if you are the only one waiting for the bus, it will run on time, but if the bus is full, it will break down halfway.It is also impossible to find the 'perfect' bus - every single one will have a defect due to failures in design or simple overuse.

Want a faster alternative to the tootling little bus? Try the train! Britain can boast the most sensitive trains in Europe, and for good reason. If any train catches a glimpse of a leaf on the track, it will scream like a girl, and steadfastly refuse to run. "Leaves on the line" has now replaced "delayed" on most train station announcements. Also, we have an equivalent of the 'shinkansen' in Japan, a very fast train that will arive at your destination in good time. The only drawback to this train is that it will have missed every other stop except yours because it's running THAT late.

Taxis are abundant here in Britain, and the average taxi driver is a wealth of useless information. A taxi is the most wild and adventurous ride you can take on public transport, as your driver will perform all sorts of painful body contortions in order to look at you and not at the road. Trying to catch your own taxi is very much like trying to take one of those little sushi plates from the revolving roundabout - if your luck is right, you'll do well.

Lastly, I can't talk about Brit transport without mentioning the king of them all - BICYCLES. University towns have more bicycles than major extreme sports outlets. People on bikes can be seen everywhere, and they all think they have right of way, making the other road users pretty mad. It's your best bet if you're trying to be economic or a pain in the ass.

Next time... something.

[Agamemnon]

You forgot the Tube!
But then, living in the middle of a field like you do, you would not have them , eh?

[Kd]

I think I'd rather forget the Tube, thanks...

And I don't live in the middle of a field!
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_{...I live on the edge of one...}