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Legend of Tenshi
I am the_Power!
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 Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2005 3:31 pm Post subject: 1 |
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Prologue - Four years ago
‘Blue. A colour, a rather poor pop group, but most importantly a feeling that, right at this moment, is being felt by that girl over there. She has just discovered her fiancée has died.’
‘What? That’s terrible. Somebody should be there to cheer her up or something.’
‘A terrible shame to be sure but what difference does it make to us? I mean, sure she is pretty, and I am sure that those who know her will be saddened by the news, but why should we care? Come on, we have a train to catch.’
Victoria train station. The rain falls and washes away the guilt of the consumers as they rush home with their vital purchases, fastidiously ignoring anything they don’t want to think about. Their gaze swiftly passes the girl, head in hands, with no one to find comfort. As she sits alone on a bench, a single white feather falls to land gracefully in her lap. A single perfect snapshot of despair.
The casual observer could tell you that it fell from one of the many pigeons inhabiting the ‘incoming/outgoing trains’ sign above her. But as the light of the advertising danced on her none of it mattered. She knew it was all over. Her happiness shattered in a single phone call. She stood up and headed for the underground platforms.
‘And there she goes, straight for the 4:52’
‘What do you mean? What 4:52?’
‘Oh just the 4:52 to Canary Wharf.’
‘What, she should be heading to Vauxhall, not Canary Wharf… Wait, she’s not going to… we have to stop it. How can you just walk and talk and ignore this?’
‘We can’t very well affect the outcome. You know the rules, once it’s decided no one can change the plot. Imagine what sort of things could happen if it didn’t happen exactly right.’
‘But she will… We have to stop her… I have to get to her.’
One solitary figure in a crowd. One rogue element in a sea of calm, blind indifference. Racing, shouldering it’s way through the crowd, trying desperately to reach her. She made her way through the ticket barrier, checked to make sure she was heading the right way through tear reddened eyes, then set her head back down and drove her way forwards through the throngs of commuters. Walking towards the end of the platform, she looked forwards towards her goal.
Behind her, pushing just to keep in sight of her, the figure leapt the barrier and careened straight into a guard. Captured, he struggled in vain to try to catch the target of the frantic dash. ‘No wait, you have to let me go, I need to stop her.’
‘Not today son. You will be accompanying me down to the station for a little chat. Assaulting a member of the constabulary is a major crime.’
‘No, you have to stop her. There’s no time’
As the collective mind of the crowd was focused on the commotion developing by the gates, not a single eye caught sight of a lone girl, staring towards the oncoming lights. As they neared her slight form she stepped into space, eyes locked onto those staring back at her from inside the window traveling rapidly towards her. The muffled thud was drowned out by the noise of many trains and commuters noisily going about their business.
Not until the shaken Driver managed to negotiate his way out of his cabin and alert his engineer to the tragedy did anyone realize what had happened. As is the wont of humanity, more people were concerned with being late then the fate of the girl. Nobody could care about someone who would be as inconsiderate as to make them miss dinner reservations.
Little else eventuated of the girl’s death. A small obituary in the local newspaper, a short snippet on the news about train delays. A public outcry making it impossible for something such as this to occur again…
… And one more thing. A small story in a dodgy tabloid. Something about a disappearing fare evader who melted a pair of handcuffs and left scorch marks on the ground. Surely nothing worth reporting by a reputable
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I was wondering if I could get your input on this little bit of writing and some pointers on improving it.
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Rudy.
Guest
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| Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2005 9:54 am Post subject: 2 |
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| Was the thread title a question? I so the answer is "No". |
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Samadhi
+1
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| Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2005 10:15 am Post subject: 3 |
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| I will critique if you so desire. I will spare no punches. |
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CrystyB
Misunderstood Guy
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| Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2005 10:44 am Post subject: 4 |
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| Why is the text incomplete, Tenshi? |
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Samadhi
+1
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| Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2005 10:51 am Post subject: 5 |
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| I'll assume you're being socratic and not touch that. |
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CrystyB
Misunderstood Guy
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| Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2005 11:00 am Post subject: 6 |
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Tnx, Sam. I guess i should ask for a higher-sized font in my custom title... 
[edit]Or better yet, i got me a new sig!
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Disclaimer: If the above post doesn't sound quite fair-play to you, assume you've misunderstood it!! |
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Legend of Tenshi
I am the_Power!
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| Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2005 12:36 pm Post subject: 7 |
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I want a full blown, no critiscism spared critique if you would be so kind. And tell me where it doesn't work and suggestions for fixing it.
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ZutAlors!
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2005 3:50 pm Post subject: 8 |
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Well, the writing flows naturally and it ends nicely. Descriptions of the girl and the indifference of her fellow travellers works well. I've got some problems with the overall structure, though.
1. First, I think you want a *strong* intro hook. The whole "Blue. A colour, a rather poor pop group..." doesn't catch my interest (plus... blue? Blue is when you miss your favorite TV show, not when you're suicidal). I think you need something that will *grab* the reader, make them want to keep reading, figure out what's going on. For example, if you want to start with dialogue, how about, "She's going to throw herself under the 4:52, you know." Something intriguing.
2. You don't really give any information to identify the seemingly omniscient duo who provide commentary. Who and where are they? Names? Identities? Is this story about them, or about the girl? Or neither? It's hard to tell. There's this lack of substance to them, until one of them (I assume it's one of them) jumps out of the crowd. As a reader, I want to be able to visualize what's happening, and you don't give me any visual cues. I think you might be trying to make it mysterious; instead I find it confusing. If being mysterious is important, try just a little subtle hint sprinkled into the description: She's going to throw herself under the 4:52, you know." Karol pointed towards the girl, his hand flickering in and out of existence. OK, that was dumb, but you get the picture.
3. "You know the rules..." Infodump. Ick. The characters are talking for the benefit of the reader, not themselves. You *might* be able to get away with having the one character yell after the other one after he runs off to stop the girl ("Stop! You know the rules!"), but...why do you need to? Either something will happen to the character as a result of his breaking the rules, in which case you can explain it later; or nothing will happen, in which case it's not important to your story.
4. "One solitary figure in a crowd..." I think you need more action here. The description's rather cool, and doesn't have the *tension* it could have. Unless you did it that way on purpose?
5. You shift tense halfway through -- disconcerting.
6. Some of the dialogue reads a bit stiltedly -- try reading it aloud to hear what I mean. Example: "I mean, sure she is pretty, and I am sure that those who know her will be saddened by the news..."
7. And finally... a chance to use my sig! Learn... from the EYE OF ARGON!
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Glaring directly down towards her was the stoney, cycloptic face of the bloated diety. Gaping from its single obling socket was scintillating, many fauceted scarlet emerald, a brilliant gem seeming to possess a life all of its own. A priceless gleaming stone, capable of domineering the wealth of conquering empires...the eye of Argon. |
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wordcross
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| Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2005 9:34 pm Post subject: 9 |
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If you use Zut's sig, though, be sure to correct the typos 
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Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like? |
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Legend of Tenshi
I am the_Power!
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| Posted: Fri Feb 18, 2005 8:55 am Post subject: 10 |
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Thatnks Zut, that was exactly the sort of commentary I was looking for. Since it wasn't terribly attrocious, at least from your opinion, I will continue writing the story I had planned. I will keeep posting it as I go along.
For the thrust of the narrative I was thinking of a series of short stories alternating between the two observers and her.
The thing I was trying to avoid, that I have seen many times in some of the novels I have read, was the idea of tacking on 3 or 4 adjectives to each and every noun. ugh.
I will go into my bunker over the weekend and see if I can't get the first arc sorted.
Thankies 
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ZutAlors!
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Fri Feb 18, 2005 3:11 pm Post subject: 11 |
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| wordcross wrote: |
| If you use Zut's sig, though, be sure to correct the typos |
Dude... when you quote Martin Luther King, you don't correct the grammar. When you quote John F Kennedy, you don't correct the phraseology. And when you quote the Eye of Argon, you don't correct the spelling.
| Legend of Tenshi wrote: |
| Thatnks Zut, that was exactly the sort of commentary I was looking for. Since it wasn't terribly attrocious, at least from your opinion, I will continue writing the story I had planned. I will keeep posting it as I go along. |
Oh, I think it definitely shows promise. (Umm... my opinion on what you did well and what you didn't not counting for very much, really.) My biggest objection (see points 1 and 2 above) is that you get a bit cutesy and poetic in the scene, which clouds the clarity of the narrative. Similar to the observation you made next, which is very true:
| Legend of Tenshi wrote: |
| The thing I was trying to avoid, that I have seen many times in some of the novels I have read, was the idea of tacking on 3 or 4 adjectives to each and every noun. ugh. |
And it's funny you should say that, because one of the things that makes the Eye of Argon so unremittingly bad is exactly that tendancy. |
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Huey*
Guest
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| Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 11:52 pm Post subject: 12 |
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| I like it, mainly because the writing was good. Like ZutAlor said, it flows. The content itself was somewhat intriguing, maybe you can add a few more flares to it. Feels like one of those prologues that doesn't really do anything, it's just there as a "hook". You know, like in the movies before the Titles come up and something happens, but nothing really happened? Like in the Matrix and Trinity was in the phonebooth and the truck rammed her? If you go back and watch that prologue you're like what? Yea. Like that. |
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