I need some (serious) advice...

[LordKinbote]

Good news first: my wife found out she is pregnant a few days ago. We've been trying for only about two months, so we are both pretty happy. She is only 5 weeks along, which is way too early to really start telling anybody, and I wouldn't even be announcing it here if something else hadn't come up.

As some of you know from the "happy" thread, we'll be moving to a new city (Lincoln) next week and we'll both be starting new jobs...she'll be doing a family practice residency, and I'll be teaching full time at the high school level...and *not* alternative students, as I have in the past.

So here's where it gets serious...

The chair of my new math department, a man who I've only met once at my interview, sent everyone in the department an e-mail that his wife had miscarried at just over 20 weeks. It was unexpected and had happened just days after a good ultrasound.

My wife is no stranger to this kind of misfortune. She is a family practice doctor after all, and wants to have a focus on obstetrics. But she is also newly pregnant with our first child, and I really don't know if I should be sharing pregnancy horror stories with her. She'll have to find out eventually, since this man will be my coworker, but I'm just not sure how to deal with the delivery of this information.

Also, I'm worried about tiptoeing around the subject of our pregnancy in front of this coworker, because it's obvious that his loss has been an incredibly emotional experience for him, with good reason.

So, yeah, I have some delicate social situations to deal with in the next few weeks. Since the pregnancy is SO early, I really have no one I can talk about this with except for people that I only know at a distance...we're not planning on telling people until about the 10 week point.

Thoughts?

[MatthewV]

As a clueless fool, I think you are making connections that don't really exist. You should let your wife know about the unfortunate event because it is obviously bothering you. I am pretty sure most everyone is aware miscarriages happen, but it is a highly personal thing.
You should be supportive of you coworker. And remember to avoid telling people about pregnancy for as long as possible so the same thing can't happen to you. That way you can suffer quietly.

Dave Berry's advice was something like "don't mention pregnancy until the baby is about halfway out"

[MatthewV]

On and good luck / congratulations.

[LordKinbote]

[Zag]

Much congrats and best of luck with everything!!

I can totally sympathize, because I have been through something very much like what you are going through.

When my wife was pregnant with our older child (who posts here as Zahariel), I had a very close friend at work whose 2-year-old daughter died of heart problems (after a 6-month struggle with pain and troubles and not really knowing what is going on). Then, 2 years later my wife was pregnant with our younger child, I was at a new job at a new company and my boss, whom I liked quite well, and his wife lost a child on their due date. I felt like we were cursed, and I was a little bit relieved that we had already decided to quit at two kids.

Anyway, I agree that my situation was different; in both cases, I had already announced our pregnancy when the tragedy occurred, and I had significant history with both individuals beforehand. However, I can say that I learned from both. In the first case, I was so young and my friend's grief was so raw and harsh -- I'm not sure any approach would have worked to save that friendship, but I did not actively share the details with him, and we ended up losing touch. In the second case, I spoke frankly with my boss -- I told him how sorry I was for his loss, and acknowledged that I felt awkward about being too public with my own happiness, considering his grief. He appreciated the honesty, assured me that he would not want me to hold back, and said he would walk away if it got to be too much for him. We continue to correspond to this day.

So my recommendation is, when you are ready to announce the news to your co-workers, you start by sitting down and talking frankly with your boss about it. Make sure you both have a good 20 minutes or so to talk, so you aren't rushed and you give him a chance to express himself. Even just having acknowledged that you understand how your news could affect him will help him, I think.

[Courk]

I don't know how to help on the advice aspect, but congratulations on the wee one!

[Antrax]

To the easy part: tell your wife. She's bound to find out at some point during her pregnancy, and the later it is the less rational she's likely to be about.
Not sure I can help on what to do with the boss, from Zag's answer it sounds very culture dependent.
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[Jack_Ian]

Many first pregnancies end in mis-carriage. It's a sad reality that can be very devastating. For some people, the first time is just too much of a shock for the body to handle.

Tell nobody other than your boss. He'll appreciate the position you're in and will also appreciate that you have confided in him. It will also make your declaration of sorrow more heart-felt, as you can say you are going through the same fears. Besides, he's going to find out soon enough.

As for telling your wife, she might appear very rational, but she's going through a lot right now and her hormones are all over the place. Don't make a point of telling her, but don't keep it from her. Choose an appropriate moment. If she is to meet with your boss, ask her not to mention pregnancy in his presence, as his wife recently miscarried otherwise only mention it if it comes up. To make a big deal of it will only worsen the effect of the news.

As for protecting your wife. By all means wrap her in cotton wool. She'll protest, of course, but she'll also enjoy your thoughtfulness. Tell her she's just going to have to put up with it. If she finds out later that you kept news about a miscarriage from her, then just answer "Duh! What do you expect? You're to be protected at all costs." She'll smile and ridicule you for it, but she won't be upset.

[Quailman]

I think you should consider asking your wife for advice on how to react to the news about the miscarriage. They're separate events (the miscarriage and your wife's pregnancy).

People by nature want to bring up horror stories like "my cousin's boss's sister drank a Monster in her first trimester and had a baby with spina bifida" or some such nonsense. This is different and real.

As for telling anyone at work, you'll eventually have to get away for doctor visits. Otherwise, there's no reason to bring it up (see prior paragraph). You don't need to be totally aloof - just don't talk about pregnancy. Bring uo different details about your personal life. Tell them how you like to spend all your spare time at the GL. Working time too.