Jokes II

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[MatthewV]

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.

The egg looks at the chicken and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

[MatthewV]

A potter is visiting Thailand and has a bit too much to drink. In the morning he wakes up in a tub of ice water and his kidneys are gone. So is his cutting wire.
And all the normal-non-potters don't get it

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[The Great Crep'er]

A mute walks into a bar. He says to the bartender " "
The bartender, who is also mute, says " "
Then the mute orders a brewski, finishes it, and walks out.

The next night, that very same mute walks into that very same bar.
He says to the bartender " "
The mute bartender replies " "
Then the mute orders a brewski again, finishes it, and walks out.

The next night, the mute, once again, walks into that same bar.
He says to the bartender " "
The bartender replies " "
All of a sudden, a homicidal maniac bursts through the doors, runs up to the mute, holds a dagger across his neck and says "Any last words?"
The mute responds " "

Needless to say, it left the maniac speechless.

[Gomez]

Why doesn't Hitler drink Tequila?

Because it makes him mean.

[Gomez*]

Okay kids, here's my favourite joke of all time. It's a bit blue, so I've invizzed it. Hope ya like!


A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But since he only has five bucks, they kick him out, too. By this time, he's super-horny, so he goes to the next one and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow job!"

The madam there takes pity on him, and says "Okay. For a fiver, we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?" he asks.
The madam grins. "You'll find out!" she assures the eager man.

She takes the five dollars, and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. The horny guy waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN??"

[Chuck]

[Scurra]

One I heard today which I quite liked.

I much prefer Facebook. For some reason, my friend doesn't like it if I go round to his house and ask to see photos of his wife in a bikini.
_________________
_{still Quiz Olympiad champion. Must get a life.
New definitions: COFFEE - someone who is coughed upon}

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Quailman]

Last night I dreamed that a guy was standing over me saying, "On your mark, get set, go!". I awoke with a start.

[Jack_Ian]

Two nuns were cycling together.
One turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
"Me neither", says the other, "I think it's the cobblestones"

[Chuck]

[Zag]

This struck me as particularly funny, which probably says something more about me than about the cartoon. (Ugh, we have to fix our system's refusal to consider something an image if it isn't a valid image extension.)

http://cdn.svcs.c2.uclick.com/c2/a95dc7b07bf6012f2fe000163e41dd5b

http://www.gocomics.com/darksideofthehorse/2012/05/09
_________________

[The Great Crep'er]

[Quailman]

Yesterday I ran into a woman who said she thought she recognized me from the Vegetarian Society meeting, but I had never seen herbivore.

[The Great Crep'er]

Stiffer? I hardly knew her!

[Chuck]

[Stubby]

Jokes about PMS aren't funny. Period.

[Gomez*]

Scared the postman this morning by going to the door without any clothes on. I don't know what surprised him the most, the fact that I was naked or the fact that I know where he lives.

[Quailman]

[Zag]

At least you can't accuse him of plagiarism.
_________________

[Gomez*]

Oops How about this one:

Justin Bieber is playing in Manchester tonight.

He's on the see-saw at the moment but he's eyeing up the climbing frame.

[Zag]

My wife just hasn't been the same since that house fell on her sister.
_________________

[Chuck]

[Dragon Phoenix]

Three guys meet in the waiting room of the Guiness Book of Records Office. They strike up a conversation waiting for the office to open. The first guy says: "I am here because I have the smallest ears in the world!" The second guy says: "I am here because I have the smallest toes in the world!" The third guy hesitates a moment, and then comes out: "I am here because I have the smallest penis in the world. Nothing to brag about, but if it gets me in the record books, I'm happy."

The first guy gets called in and comes out 10 minutes later with a big smile and a certificate that he is officially recognized as having the smallest ears in the world. He decides to wait how the others are doing. The second guy goes in and comes back after 10 minutes with a certificate that he is officially recognized as having the smallest toes in the world. The third guy is next, and after 10 minutes he comes out raging for anger, yelling "Who the fuck is Justin Bieber??"
_________________
My photography:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/artrock2006/

[The Great Crep'er]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Quailman]

I'm in New Orleans. The number of drunks walking aroung the French Quarter is staggering.

[extropalopakettle]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Jack_Ian]

"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis

"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

"I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

"You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

"I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner

"I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

"Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis

"I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

"My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar

"Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?" – Dan Antopolski

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." – Nick Helm

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]