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Chuck
Daedalian Member
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 Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 5:14 am Post subject: 1161 |
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The Potter
Feat of Clay
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| Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2012 5:18 am Post subject: 1162 |
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump....
BUMP...
BUMP....
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
hello to our friendly invisible text readers
The coffin stops
_________________
Artwork | Fractals | Don't ignore your dreams; don't work too much; say what you think; cultivate friendships; be happy. |
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The Potter
Feat of Clay
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| Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2012 5:21 am Post subject: 1163 |
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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"Impossible!"' said the groom broom.
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I know... I know... there needs to be more build up
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"We haven't even swept together!"
_________________
Artwork | Fractals | Don't ignore your dreams; don't work too much; say what you think; cultivate friendships; be happy. |
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Chuck
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2012 4:13 am Post subject: 1164 |
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The Potter
Feat of Clay
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| Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 5:47 am Post subject: 1165 |
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Testing the new embedded video tags...
_________________
Artwork | Fractals | Don't ignore your dreams; don't work too much; say what you think; cultivate friendships; be happy. |
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Death Mage
Raving Lunatic
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| Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 1:30 pm Post subject: 1166 |
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It would work better without the watermark in the corner.
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* These senseless ramblings brought to you by Insanity™. If you just can't figure the dang thing out, it must be Insanity™.
[YOUR AD HERE!] |
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Chuck
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 2:53 pm Post subject: 1167 |
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novice
No harm. Pun intended!
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 11:32 am Post subject: 1168 |
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank the coffee before it was cool. |
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LordKinbote
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 5:54 pm Post subject: 1169 |
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| novice wrote: |
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank the coffee before it was cool. |
Psssh, I've known about that joke for a while. |
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novice
No harm. Pun intended!
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 5:57 pm Post subject: 1170 |
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| LordKinbote wrote: |
| novice wrote: |
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank the coffee before it was cool. |
Psssh, I've known about that joke for a while. |
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Quailman
His Postmajesty
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 7:04 pm Post subject: 1171 |
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A woman was walking her doberman pinscher one day when she ran into a good friend who was taking her chihuahua for a walk. They stopped and began chatting. After a while the first woman said, "Let's go have a drink at that pub down the street."
The second woman said, "They'll never let us in with our dogs."
The doberman's owner said, "Just watch me and do what I do.". She gets a pair of dark sunglasses out of her purse, puts them on, and approaches the door.
The bouncer says, "You can't bring that dog in here.". "But it's a seeing eye dog." "A doberman?" "Yes. They're using them a lot as seeing eye dogs now.". So he lets her in.
The other woman dons her dark shades and walks confidently up to the door. "You can't bring that dog in here." says the bouncer. "But it's a seeing eye dog." "A doberman maybe but no way is a chihuahua a seeing eye dog." "A CHIHUAHUA??? They gave me a CHIHUAHUA???".
[edited to unspoiler]
Last edited by Quailman on Sat Dec 01, 2012 11:25 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Elethiomel
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 8:21 pm Post subject: 1172 |
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| Ok, I admit it. I don't get it. |
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Zag
Unintentionally offensive old coot
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 8:43 pm Post subject: 1173 |
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| Elethiomel wrote: |
| Ok, I admit it. I don't get it. |
You have to read the spoilered part. I don't really see why he bothered to spoiler it. |
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bonanova
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 11:20 am Post subject: 1174 |
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René Descartes was flying home from a conference when the flight
attendant asked, "Monseur Descartes, would you like a cocktail?"
To which the philosopher replied, "I think not," and disappeared.
I heard this on a Ray Smullyan tape made for Martin Gardner a few years before Gardner died. It was a greeting between close friends and contained some subtle, low-key humor. This was the best if it, to my thinking. Of course, it didn't really happen, because There were no flight attendants in Descartes' time.
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Vidi, vici, veni.
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Gomez
candid chimera
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| Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 1:43 pm Post subject: 1175 |
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Not sure if I've done this one before...
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An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.
"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
"'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" says the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, get up to makeup straight away.
So he runs up to make up. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', get on there, the curtains about to go up"
So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
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Chuck
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2012 6:27 am Post subject: 1176 |
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The Potter
Feat of Clay
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 7:03 am Post subject: 1177 |
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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
_________________
Artwork | Fractals | Don't ignore your dreams; don't work too much; say what you think; cultivate friendships; be happy. |
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Chuck
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 2:55 pm Post subject: 1178 |
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Chuck
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 4:05 pm Post subject: 1179 |
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Chuck
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 3:19 pm Post subject: 1180 |
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Chuck
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 2:58 pm Post subject: 1181 |
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Quailman
His Postmajesty
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:14 pm Post subject: 1182 |
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| In this New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog. |
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The Potter
Feat of Clay
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:37 pm Post subject: 1183 |
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Teacher: If I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits,, and then another two rabbits, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two apples, how many apples will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good! Now if I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Teacher: Where the %&$# do you get seven from?!?!?
Johnny: Because I %&$#ing have one at home!!!
_________________
Artwork | Fractals | Don't ignore your dreams; don't work too much; say what you think; cultivate friendships; be happy. |
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Chuck
Daedalian Member
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| Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2013 11:58 pm Post subject: 1184 |
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The Potter
Feat of Clay
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 11:54 pm Post subject: 1185 |
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A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn. A Gamekeeper shouts, "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!"
The man replies, "My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that in English for me."
The keeper replies, "I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!"
_________________
Artwork | Fractals | Don't ignore your dreams; don't work too much; say what you think; cultivate friendships; be happy. |
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The Potter
Feat of Clay
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| Posted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 4:50 am Post subject: 1186 |
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"Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
_________________
Artwork | Fractals | Don't ignore your dreams; don't work too much; say what you think; cultivate friendships; be happy. |
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Zag
Unintentionally offensive old coot
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| Posted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 12:23 pm Post subject: 1187 |
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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chiefs' weenie and began to work back.
"Dear Lord," he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, "In Vietnam.'' |
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