The Humorless Princess

[Huey]

O_o

What the hell? That made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

[The Ktulu]

If you mean Buzzsaw's last post...he's hungry because he's pregnant.

[Mackay]

[Mackay]

Oh No! Buzz wants to eat my babies! *hides*

*impregnates Kt first*

*and Buzz, in the hope that he's satisfied with that one. After all, he mainly eats veggies he grows himself, why should babies be any different?*

[Huey]

well ha ha? I read babies and then Buzz being hungry. Twisted mind at work on a Sunday I guess.

I'm working on chapter 2, haven't been able to get to the good part yet. I have to get the characters there first. Writing is such a bitch, I always gets bogged down by stupid things like transitions and plots and such, not getting to the part I want to write about. Some ppl say it's a good idea to write the part you want first, then link them together, but I don't like doing that. My imagination is linear.

Here are some more of the story. Please rip it apart if you're up for it. Thank you GL editors!

=============================================
Chapter 2

Dawn, rosy-fingered and light-hearted, showed up early to caress the sky, only to have its hands slapped away by the tamed night. Embarrassed, but not discouraged, it once again rose up from the horizon, cautiously this time, fingers trembling, and made its way above the northern mountains of Versilia. The night, unwilling to give up her spot, stood her ground. They fought above the treetops, stirring the air with slight breezes. On the roof of a barn a rooster strained his neck and crowed his head off, making a small sound as it bounced on the wooden fence and landed beak-first into the pigsty.

Oblivious to these morning rituals, Virgil and Marcus made their way through the forest birches of Versilia , Marcus occasionally glancing back for signs of their pursuers. They had ran from the orc encampment past the border of Beren into Versilia all through the night, disgruntle orcs at their heels. If only that geezer Betgon had kept his mouth shut, Virgil would've coaxed the Chieftain back to normalcy. But the old fool spoke out too soon, insisting on getting pay for their time spent performing. The thin surface that held the chieftain's temper in place had ruptured, calling for blood. Within one night, the Marvelous Company of Betgon was no more, its owner's head lying carelessly on the floor of the chieftain's tent, unattached to its body . The rest of the company had scattered in all directions, while Marcus bravely held off the orcs with his stage-sword long enough for them to escape. Who would've thought being an actor was such a tough business.

"You and your bright ideas Virgil," huffed Marcus, when they were certain that they'd escaped the wrath of the orcs. They collasped beneath a tall oak tree, tired from the night's ordeal.

"Ha ha. Grand jolly time," Virgil said merrily, lying on his back. He was ecstatic from the thrill of the chase. "How was I to know that orc was female, let alone the Chieftain's wife." He supposed there were female orcs, otherwise the race would have been long since extinct. But he'd never seen one before. "That old fool Betgon should tell us these things."

"What are you on about? We are stuck here with no money, our gears gone, and the University three days away. You do this every year! To think I should've known better this time around. Learn to keep your big mouth shut."

"At least we're better off than old man Betgon. The poor bastard." Virgil fell silent. So did Marcus, for a brief moment. Somewhere above a woodpecker drummed the bark for his breakfast.

"Do you think we can sneak back to get our things?" asked Marcus. He felt naked without his sword, which was still in the tent back at the camp.

"You can if you want to Marcus, I'll wait for you."

"Blast you and your smart mouth, Virgil. What should we do instead? I don't like the idea of heading back without food or money."

"The capital of Versilia is up ahead. See that castle?" He got up on his elbows and gestured toward the tiny speck of gray. "Let's head there first."

"I suppose. Maybe I can send a pigeon to my father for help."

"Let's go then, my stomach is begging for fillings," Virgil said. The two stood up and started toward the city of Versilia.

--

As they approached the city , Marcus noticed Virgil slackening his pace. He was breathing heavily, his face a slight pale. Virgil's nerves were clinging tightly to each other. To Virgil, the air seemed to thicken with every step. At first he brushed it off as fatigue, but when they reached the farmland outlining the city walls, Virgil fell on one knee, his legs too weak to go on.

"What is wrong Virgil?" asked Marcus. "We'll find food soon enough."

"No, it isn't that. Something is strange about this place." Virgil said, eyes half closed. "The air is so heavy, Do you feel it?"

Marcus looked around and sniffed the air. "No, what do you mean?"

"I don't know. I feel a weight bearing down on me." He inhaled deeply. They were on a gravel path, with fields of wheat on either side. Barns and small houses scattered the land beyond. To the east the sun was peeking over the horizon, its light cast a golden hue on the treetops. In a distance they see farmers going about their business. Everything seemed perfectly normal, but to Virgil everything held a gloomy atmosphere. "There are so much sadness in the air."



[This message has been edited by Huey (edited 01-25-2004 04:00 PM).]

[Huey]

In the mean time, I'll edit your changes. You guys are the best. I'll send you a case of beer sometimes.

[The Ktulu]

So I guess there were no special plans. But yay! anyway, for I am with child! *-rubs belly-*

And

[Huey]

egad! I'm not sure I agree with all your suggestions. I don't want to follow conventions and be too linear with the language. As long as the grammar is correct I'm okay with it.

e.g.

quote:

---

The princess spent the month after locked in her bedroom, crying silently for the boy who made her laughed.

---

That's the original sentence, and it looks fine to me. She didn't spend "a" month after, because it's not some random month that she locked herself in her room. It is a specific month, the month after, and it is an important month, because she was completely changed within it.

And,

quote:

---

When she emerged, her hair disarrayed, her cheeks no longer rosy, the glint in her eyes was gone, replaced with an anger too powerful to behold.

---

... could be read as "When she emerged the glint in her eyes was gone, replaced with an anger too powerful to behold."

"Hair disarrayed", "cheeks no longer rosy" are extra descriptions, fitted in there by commas. I've seen long sentences like that before, Nathaniel Hawthorn's stuff for example. He packed all kinds of descriptions in one sentence to add a complexity to his text. I use it to summarize, otherwise the paragraph would drag out and loses that prolougie feeling I want from it.

And if I take out the word "was" (changed from "were", thanks Buzz), the sentence becomes a fragment.

[The Ktulu]

I'll join in on the nitpicking.

First I'd like to say I absolutely love the first paragraph.

[Huey]

should be head lying carelessly

[The Ktulu]

I forgot to mention. You can totally disregard everything I just said, considering I do worse jobs of the writing than you do. This is really a cool story.

[Huey]

Hey, did I tell you that you guys are the greatest? Yall gonna make me a writer yet. 3 editors working on one story! Wheeeee I say!

[The Ktulu]

Yeah, so if you decide to try to get it published, when they ask if you if it needs to be edited, you just say, NOPE!

[Mackay]

As for your first disagreement with me, Huey, that's fine, but I still think "the following month" sounds a lot better than "the month after". Like I said, I asn't sure whether you meant "month" or "months" simply because it seemed awkward.

As for this:

[Huey]

Okay, I give up. I rewrote the thing using your suggestions and it does sound better:

[Mackay]

Ooh. Firstly, there was no need to take out the rosy cheeks. You reworded hat better than I did simply by putting in an "and". If you just keep that "and" in there, it's great. But yeah! Don't feel free to get rid of the cheeks just because of me! *gets agitated*

[Huey]

I think adding rosy-cheeks would bring us back to the problem we had before. It sounded too much like a list and not a sentence. Forget them lousy cheeks.

[Buzzsaw]

[Mackay]

Buzz is right with the first, wrong with the second. "Melancholy" (and yes, it's spelled how I just wrote it) can also be used as an adjective.

[Huey]

... the rest of chapter 2.
=====================================

"It's that gift of yours. You're sensing someone's emotions?" said Marcus, a concerned look on his face.

"Yes, but I can't locate the source. The sadness is so broad, this whole area is drowning in it." Virgil tried to ignore the energy, but choked in the process.

"Someone must be really sad."

"I've never met anyone capable of emitting emotions over such a wide area. They're usually confined within paces of the person I'm focused on. And usually I can ignore them." He paused for breath. "This sadness, it's so strong it's practically attacking me! I'm not sure I want to go on much further."

"Come on Virgil, we're almost in the city. We'll find breakfast and send my father a message. You'll feel much better with food in your stomach." Marcus lifted Virgil to his feet. He draped his friend's arm over his shoulders and urged him forward. "Try to think happy thoughts."

Virgil dragged his feet and diverted his mind. Tears were forming at the edges of his eyes. "Happy thoughts. You mean like the time you got slapped by the duke's daughter?" He tried to laugh.

"I see you still got your sense of humor. Yes, think of that if you like. Although it isn't my idea of a happy thought."

"Or the time you got chased out of the house by that merchant? What's his name, Merchant Cooli?"

"Hey! I didn't know that was his house, and his daughter invited me in!"

"I laughed the whole week, the look on your face as you jumped out that window is unforgettable."

"Bugger, can't you think of something else besides my luckless encounters with the ladies?" said Marcus, annoyed. Not only was Virgil not grateful for his help, he was making fun of him.

"You're right. It isn't helping. Pity doesn't go well with my present state."

"I'm going to dump you here in the middle of the road you bastard."

"How do you propose we find food in the city?" Virgil said, changing the subject. " I haven't any money on me."

"I have some loose change, enough for a meal. After that I don't know. Find some work and hope my father is sober enough to send money I guess. Maybe we can pawn off my ring to someone willing to pay for it."

"No! Your father will flog you then disown you." Virgil protested. All families with ranks are given signet rings to prove their identities. Marcus, being the son of a minor Baron, held such a ring. But he seldom wears them outside of his home city, the capital of Beren. It hung from a chain around his neck instead.

"I can always come back for it."

"Absolutely not Marcus. We'll think of something."

[The Ktulu]

Perhaps it is because I just ate a huge meal (and my mom had me finish what she could not, seeing as my father was not up to the task), but I did not read through the story with a critical eye. For some reason though, I feel it would have been unnecessary. I didn't see anything wrong with it.Kt's being a suck-up!

Though perhaps you could mention the ring earlier in the story, so it doesn't read like an Oh Yeah. But that's your decision.

[Buzzsaw]

I haven't finished with what Huey posted so far but hope to later today.

[Buzzsaw]

The melancholy sp got past me, however Huey spelled it correctly.

Who are we critiqueing here?
{edited for grammar correction}
[This message has been edited by Mackay (edited 01-27-2004 05:49 AM).]



[This message has been edited by Buzzsaw (edited 01-27-2004 05:46 AM).]

[Mackay]

Sorry Buzz. I was in editor mode. I get a little carried away.

My dad is an English teacher, and my mum is a primary school teacher who specialises in teaching children with learning disabilities how to read. Growing up surrounded by books, and in an atmosphere where every grammar error was pointed out to me and corrected, has kinda done that to me. (Not pointed out in a bad way, Dad would just be like "'Sarah and I', El, not 'me and Sarah'..." etc.)

[Buzzsaw]

Is Huey going to post more?

[The Ktulu]

Later on he's going to post his story on a forum devoted to personal fiction pieces. He's asked me to join him, though I don't know yet if I will.

[Huey]

Yeh! I don't want to impose myself on y'all. Thank you so much for your help thus far. I learned a lot from you, Buzz and Mackay.