What really happend in the bible. (Warning: Blasphemous Humo

[HyToFry]

From a thread in VSN:

Originally posted by Antrax:

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Once upon a time there were a bunch of Hebrews in Egypt. The historical context has to do with Joseph being an advisor to the pharoh, and Jews being hungry and coming to eat in Egypt. However, the story begins many generations afterwards, when people no longer remember Joseph, and there's also the small matter of all the Hebrews being slaves to Egyptians. So, our story begins with the Pharoah:
Pharoah: Yay, look at me, I have a bunch of Hebrew slaves who sit around and make bricks all day long. It rules being me.
Random Advisor:Uh, Sir, if you'll look at these figures?
Pharoah:I'm sorry, math wasn't invented yet. What's the problem?
Random Advisor:Basically, we've figured something out. It takes one daddy and one mommy to make one baby every year.
Pharoah:Go on.
Random Advisor:Well, it turns out if you start out with more mommies and daddies, you make more babies, and then another group with less mommies and daddies can't ever keep up.
Pharoah:How bad is it?
Random Advisor:Well Sir, if you just look at this graph.

Pharoah:Bloody hell. We have to stop this!

And so the Pharoah made the following decisions:
a) All Hebrews have to work twice as hard now.
b) All newborn Hebrew males are to be tossed into the river.
c) Jews suck.
With this brilliant plan, which would mean the demise of his entire workforce within a generation or two, the Pharoah was content. However, the Hebrews were less happy, and played all sorts of shenanigans to try and narrowly avoid genocide.
A Hebrew named Moses is sent in a box to the river, the King's daughter finds him and brings him home, and he's raised in the palace. Since we need some suspense, the Pharoah tests if Moses is smart or no, and puts him to a very wicked test: he gives the infant moses a hot coal and a lump of gold, and makes him choose one or the other. Since they look exactly the same, that is. Moses, like a good Jew, goes for the gold, but God sends an angel to make him pick the coal instead. Like all babies, he puts it in his mouth, which apparently makes him stutter, because burns in your tongue apparently do that. After this brilliant demonstration of the Pharoah's knowledge in statistics, the story thankfully jumps ahead in time, and Moses is now a grown man. Because Jews are conspiring to take over the world, he somehow figures out he's a Jew through the telepathic link or the mothership or the world media or whatever it is Jews control, and then God speaks to him in the desert and tells him he's going to save the Hebrew people. Yay! Like all good Jews, Moses try to delegate responsibility, but God is better at arguing so he wins and Moses goes to the Pharoah and tells him "let my people go".

And this is where the story becomes interesting.

The Pharoah, confronted with the amazing logic of "stop enslaving an entire nation even though I have no leverage and your entire economy will crumble if you do that please", actually agrees to send the Hebrews away. God is seriously pissed off at that, SO HE CHANGES THE PHAROAH'S MIND AND MAKES HIM SAY NO. Moses is flustered, so he goes to consult God. What a surprise, God knew that's what the evil Pharoah would say, and he prepared a miracle. So Moses does some tricks and turns all the water in Egypt into blood, which is very good if you're a doctor and need to perform emergency surgery, but not as good if you're thirsty. Forced to drink only Gatorade, the Pharoah says "okay, okay, I will send your people away", pondering to himself why this was necessary since he seems to vaguely recall agreeing to do it without any coercion. Moses is happy and turns all the water back to water, and then God intervenes again. "But I have more cool miracles!" says God, and once again makes the Pharoah go back on his word. So Moses brings a bunch of frogs, which is good if you're French, only they weren't. It's never explained what's so bad about frogs, but apparently it's very demoralising so Pharoah caves in once again, and God once again makes him be a compulsive liar. This repeats for lice, predators, black plague, some sort of skin disease, hailstone, locusts, darkness (this is especially weird, apparently all of Egypt was shrouded in complete darkness which caused a lot of adultery so was frowned upon). Finally, God makes his grand finale by sending an angel to kill all the firstborns of the Egyptians, because we all know it's their fault the Hebrews are enslaved, because their ruler did it after being mind-controlled by God. Finally God lets the Pharoah give up and send them away, but it's not over! Moses tells all the Hebrews to STEAL SILVERWARE FROM THE EGYPTIANS (again, I'm not making this up), and the text tells us the Jews left Egypt very rich due to stolen silverwear. Now, God is sitting and thinking "well, I ruined their economy, killed all their food animals and destroyed their crops. What's left? Of course!". So he makes the Pharoah once again regret sending the Jews away (because, mind you, the Pharoah wasn't upset himself with the fact he was left with no workforce and also has to eat with his hands now), and the Pharoah sends his entire army after the rampaging kelptomaniac Hebrews. This is the time for a last miracle, so God parts the river for Moses and all the Hebrews pass through, and then when the egyptian army gets in the same way, God yells "PSYCHE!" and closes the water, drowning the entire Egyptian army and completing the destruction of Egypt. Of course, then God gets bored and starts playing tricks on the Hebrews in the desert, but that's even more lengthy, although just as funny.

So basically, every year you sit around and celebrate the fact a long while ago, some Egyptian ruler tried to kill us all, and then he refused to set us free after God made him refuse to set us free, so we not only ruined the economy, despoiled all the food, destroyed the crops and killed someone in every family, we also STOLE THEIR SILVERWARE. And THAT, my sons, is what being a Jew is all about. Narrowly avoiding genocide while screwing whoever tried it up in very odd ways, while making a profit for yourself. And people wonder why the world is full of anti-semitists
Happy Passover!
Antrax

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I'm about to post about Genesis Chapter 19. (so don't go stealing it you bastards)



[This message has been edited by HyToFry (edited 04-17-2003 01:41 PM).]

[Vinny]

Originally posted by title:

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Warning: Blasphemy

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hahahahahahhaaha! That's frickin funny.

[HyToFry]

Genesis Chapter 19

This chapter is about Lot and his times at Sodom and Gommorah. (The cities that were destroyed and everyone killed because they were "evil".)

Okay. This story starts out at the gates of Sodom. Two angels show up and Lot tells them that they should stay at his house. They'd rather walk around the town, but Lot convinces them to come to his house so he can feed them and wash their feet. (at times "feet" refers to male genitilia, but probably not in this case... or it does... who the hell knows?)

Before they could go to sleep, all the men (even the boys) show up at Lot's house, because the angels were sexier than even VinnyQ. They tell Lot to send the men out so they can "know" them. (they want to sex them up real good)

Lot, in his infinate wisdom, tells them "you can't do this; it's wrong. I'll tell you what. I got a couple of daughters who haven't even been deflowered yet. Why don't I send them out so you can make boom boom with them?" Apparently these angels must have been hung like horses or something, because the men of Sodom didn't want to shag Lot's daughters. They wanted some raw meat from the angels. They persisted, and the angels had to blind all of them. (not that it would matter, the men would be dead soon anyway.) (now it gets confusing)

So the angels tell Lot, "you need to get your daughters, sons in law (which is confusing... if he has virgin daughters who are married...), wife, et al and get out of town. 'coz we're going to destroy the city. y0."

So lot went to talk to his sons in law (I'm guessing that they were meant to marry the daughters that Lot was about to feed to the angry mob, and not actually married... or Lot was lying about their virginity.) The sons in law didn't belive Lot. In the morning, Lot didn't really want to leave the city, so the angels dragged him, his wife, and his two daughters from the city. At the edge of the city, the angels told them to flee to the mountain.

Lot wasn't to keen on living in the mountains, and requested that the angels leave the town of Zoar (a small city) so that Lot could live there. The angels agreed and off he went. "Don't look back, lest ye perish" they said as he wandered off to the mountains. The wife, who was useless anyway because she couldn't produce a son, just HAD to look back. *poof* pile of salt. (no big loss... damn girl producing women)

So the cities of Sodom and Gamorah were destroyed, everyone killed, God was pleased.

Lot doesn't want to live in Zoar, so he flees to the mountains. (okay, flakey)

(Now the story get's even weirder.)

So him and his two daughters are living in a cave in the mountains. One night, the daughters are especially bored, and decide to get their father drunk and get some action from him. They get him drunk, and the older of the two daughters rapes her father. (He didn't know what was going on, 'coz he was too drunk.) Next night, the same thing, but this time the younger of the two daughters gets the lovin' from the old man. (this is where the expression "who's your daddy?" became a sexual term... well... it could be. )

Both daughters get knocked up with the old man's kids. Both bear sons. (if a baby girl is born, it's not worth putting in the bible. Women are only useful to breed baby boys.) One of the sons is Moab, and the other is Ben-Ammi.

Interesting note: From what I've gathered, and Antrax can confirm/deny this. Moab means "son of my father] and Ben-Ammi means "son of my relative".

There you have it. The story of Lot and his daughters. Just another day in the Old Testimat.

[This message has been edited by HyToFry (edited 04-17-2003 01:08 PM).]

[ML]

And ... according to the religious right, the primary lession to take from this story is that homosexuality is wrong. If only the angels had been female none of this would have happened.

Good retelling Hy.

[HyToFry]

So homosexuality = bad.

Getting dad drunk to get some dicking = okay.

[VinnyQ]

Hey, leave my sexyness out of your blasphemy, Hy.

[HyToFry]

How else can I give the GLers a feel for just how sexy these guys were? I couldn't just say "irresistably sexy", that wouldn't cut it. "sexier than even the Q" Now that has power behind it. Maybe the town would be able to stay away from homosexuality if God wasn't sending VinnyQ looking angels every five minutes.

A couple of years from now when D.C. is destroyed by sulfer rain, we'll all know why.

[This message has been edited by HyToFry (edited 04-17-2003 01:21 PM).]

[VinnyQ]

HatU will probably go before D.C. does

[HyToFry]

[ML]

If you want to read the original story: NIV version of Genesis 19.

It goes on too. In chapter 20:

Originally posted by Genesis 20:

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11 Abraham replied, "I said to myself, 'There is surely no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.' 12 Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife.

---

Although Moses lays down the law about 500 years later in Leviticus 18.

[HyToFry]

God blessed that marrage though.

That's another great story, invovling lying, adultry, and even incest.

[pikachamp]

And Harry Potter is the bad influence. "No honey, don't read about witchcraft that's not even possible, go fuck your father instead."

[Lepton]

There's enough funny people around here that we could probably do up a version of genesis in short order. Don't mind if I try my hand at Genesis 1...

In the begining, it was dark and cold and sorta like the freezer in my grandmother's house. Then God walks in and flips on the lights, but it was really boring, so he went back home and pondered all night about what he could do to turn that wasteland into the ultimate party shack.

The first thing he figured he needed was water, so he made a bunch of it, but probably too much, since it covered all the land. In fact, it tasted so horrible that he couldn't stand to drink it. Now water, by itself, is pretty boring, but if you get some clouds and stuff, there's at least an occasional thundershower, so God gave the earth an atmosphere. That was quite enough for His Holiness, so he went home and slept.

I guess he got up early the next day, 'cause he made dry land and fresh water by noon. Then in the afternoon, he made all kinds of plants, 'cause it's really hard to get high on water.

Wednesday's work must have tuckered him right out, and the next day he stayed at home. He did make a big mobile to hang in the sky above the earth, though, so I guess that's considered work if you've got a cushy government job.

Friday comes, and he realizes that he's got no one to party with and toke up with that evening, so he spends the whole day making animals. Billions of animals, but they're all about as smart as the US government, and they refuse to have anything to do with God's stash of pot.

On Saturday, God spends all morning making more creatues, but somehow these end up being even stupider than Friday's creatures, 'cause they can't fly or swim. That evening, after a few joints, God finally hits the jackpot and makes two humans. He's so happy that he tells them to go do it like rabbits and make lots of babies. Also, since God's planning to take a vacation the next day (with his stash), they might as well look after things while he's gone.

[This message has been edited by Lepton (edited 04-17-2003 03:53 PM).]

[Pablo]

Originally posted by Hy:

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at times "feet" refers to male genitilia

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Gives a whole new meaning to "Athlete's foot", doesn't it?

[Vinny]

I can't wait till the "Forbidden Fruit" chapter comes out ...

~awaits anxiously

[Lepton]

I can't wait until Vinny writes it either, dude.

[Hitchhiker]

Okay, let me tell you the story of a guy named Onan. (Deuteronomy 25: 5-9)

It seems that a widow was forbidden to marry again unless she had produced a son for her first husband's family. Now, if your husband's already dead, without leaving you a son, how can you produce a son that belongs to his family?

You guessed it: his brothers all get a chance to try to "plant the seed."

Onan didn't want to do this with his sister-in-law, Tamar, because he knew the children would be raised as his dead brother's and not his own. Or he just didn't like the idea. So he "spilled his seed on the ground" (which is where we get the word "onanism").

God immediately struck him dead.

To prevent further incidents like this, a law was made that if a brother-in-law refused to perform his duty with his brother's widow, she could go up to him in public, remove his sandal, and spit in his face. After that, he would always be referred to as "the man who had his sandal removed." Still, it's better than dropping dead on the spot.

[HyToFry]

It should also be noted that Er, Tamar's dead husband, was killed by God because God thought him "wicked." It doesn't really say why though...

[HyToFry]

Also, to finish the story of Tamar and show how she finally got free...

Judah, father of Er and Oman, had his wife pass away, and he was greived. So he decides to go sheer some sheep up North. Tamar hears that he's going and she gets dressed up like a harrlot and waits for him. When he sees her, he obviously needs to bang her, so he tells her that he wants to have sex with her.

"And what will you give me to sleep with you?" she asked.

"A goat" he answered.

"Well, what can I hold as colateral that you will give me the goat?"

"Well... I dunno... what do you want?"

"I want your family seal from the staff in your hand. y0."

"okay. Let's get it on! w00t! oh yeah! Who's your daddy in law? WHO? WHO!?"

"you my daddy in law... not as big as either of your sons though.. pitty. Don't pull out, I want me some man juice"

So Judas "comes up into her" and Tamar gets pregnant with his child. (actually twins)

Judah goes home and tells his friend "take a goat to that ho I banged and get me back my seal"

So he goes, can't find the ho (because she's put back on her widow's clothes) and he asks the town "hey, where's the ho?" the men say "ain't no ho here, just that widow." So he goes back to Judah and says... "yeah... liar... no ho there. thanks for making me waste my time ass monkey."

Judah says "well... let her keep the seal, let's not waste any more time on this, I'm kind of feeling stupid about the whole thing"

Flash three months forward.

*knock at door* "Hi, Judah, yeah, your slut of a daughter in law was hooking for crack cocaine or something, and she got knocked up."

"THAT BITCH! Bring her to me that I may burn her alive!"

So the guys went to get the hussy and she said "take this seal to my father in law. Tell him that the man who owns this got me pregnant." So they do, and Judah sees his seal and decides that that is okay. (I guess he feels bad about her not getting pregant from his sons)

So she has two boys (of course) twins. Perez and Zerah.

[casinopete]

A little addendum to the Onan story, lest some crazy people decide it means that God disapproves of "pulling out" (and therefore other contraception):

Before Er died, as eldest, he stood to inherit 1/2 his father's wealth (oldest gets a double share, so the breakdown is 1/2, 1/4, 1/4). When he died sonless, Onan, as the new eldest, is suddenly entitled to 2/3 (again the double-share). However, if he'd gotten a son on Tamar, that son would belong to Er, and revive the former inheritance plan, so Onan's share would drop back to 1/4. That's what pissed God off, that Onan was deliberately screwing Er over in the afterlife (sons aid your afterlife contentment) just for some cash.

[casinopete]

There seems to be a little bit missing from the Noah story, and whether or not y'all care, I find it rather funny, so:

Noah is first mentioned in the geneology in Chapter 5, and doesn't wrap up until Chapter 9 (a pretty big section, really, accounts for half of the Bible up to that point. I'm gonna skip over Chapters 6-8, though, because everyone knows the story of the Flood.

So, Chapter 5, just a geneology, pretty boring, but there's one very interesting tidbit sitting there for those with sharp eyes. See, there's a pattern to the geneology that goes: When X had lived Y years, he became the father of Z, and after he became the father of Z, X lived N years and had other sons and daughters. This isn't particularly interesting yet, but it will get a little better later.

Chapter 9 begins with God's blessing, which includes a note that now men are allowed to eat meat (perhaps because He'd just limited their possible diet by wantonly destroying most of the vegetation on the earth with his little rainstorm).

Then He goes on to claim that the rainbow in the sky isn't just the natural result of light refracting through post-rainstorm humidity, but is also a Covenant, Proof that He will never again destroy all life on the world with a rainstorm (conveniently avoiding mention pillars of fire and brimstone, and other types of natural disaster that He might decide to use instead).

Noah's reaction is to immediately plant a vineyard, make some wine, and start drinking (perhaps he understands how silly it is for rainbows to be signs that the rain will end, when they don't appear until after the rain has already ended). Of course, this being man's first experience with alcohol (or maybe just Noah's, after all, he was "upright" before the Flood), so he gets blasted off his ass.

He passes out naked in his tent. We're not told precisely why he got naked, but then, we don't really need to, people just do that sort of thing when they're drunk. Then along happens Ham, who sees his father's nakedness.

Now Ham, in sparse Biblical fashion, has already been labeled the bad guy. He's introduced not simply as "Ham," but, "Ham, the father of Canaan." And, as any serious reader knows, the Canaanites are among the most bitter enemies of the Israelites.

So what does Ham do? Why, he goes and tells his brothers Shem and Japheth what's going on. They aren't particularly amused, and go cover their father up.

Seems a little odd, but the strange part is Noah's reaction. When Noah awoke, he knew what Ham had done to him, and curses Ham's kids! He decrees that Ham's children will be the slaves of Shem's and Japheth's descendents! And that's the end of the story. It immediately continues with, "after the flood Noah lived 350 years. Altogether, Noah lived 950 years, and then he died."

Seems hardly fair, when all Ham did was "see his father's nakedness."

Well, I'm afraid that's because we're not completely familiar with Biblical idiom. Much like "feet" often refers to "genitalia", "seeing nakedness" often refers to random sexual perversion.

But what fully clears the matter up is a comparison of Noah obit to that of the geneology pattern in Chapter 5. Noah's bit is missing the "and had other sons and daughters." Or perhaps, after putting the pieces together, we should rephrase that last line: Noah didn't have other sons and daughters because his bit was missing.

[HyToFry]

maybe ham bit his bit off?

Okay, I'm going to find another story. Wish me luck. y0.

[HyToFry]

(anything in italics is part of my story, and isn't covered in the bible.)
Alright, Lepton covered Gen 1 and a bit of Gen 2, so I'll take on the rest of Gen 2 and all of Gen 3. The fall of man.

Some background:
There's a lot of repeat in this chapter from the last chapter, but they add some info.
1. You can eat anything you want in here, but you can't eat from the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. If you do, then you'll die. (note that god doesn't say a word about the fruit of the tree of life. Apparently it's fair game.

Now, I'm going to need you to ignore the following facts:
1. If God didn't want them to eat of the fruit, he could have just NOT PUT IT IN THE GARDEN!
2. God commanded Adam and Eve to have kids, but didn't tell them how to have kids. They had to figure it out by eating of the fruit of the tree. In other words, they had to break one of the commandments.
3. God lies to Adam and Eve. "Don't eat of the fruit, or you'll die." Which was a lie. God was a liar.

So we end Chapter two with Adam and Eve walking around naked eating fruit. If that's not a porno plot line, then I don't know what is. Meanwhile, God is in Heaven watching them and waiting for them to start multiplying. That's right, God is a peeping Tom.

Some time in the future: (Gen 3: The fall of man)
Eve is out and about, walking around, talking to the snake (who God put in the garden). The snake is telling Eve, "He told you that you'd die? BWAHAHAHA. No. He's full of shit. I was a snake, right? I had me some of that delicious fruit, now I'm walking and talking. You seen any other snakes walking and talking? NOPE! He just gave you that line of shit because he doesn't want you to be smart like him. Eat up, you won't die, he won't care."

Eve, not knowing the difference between good and evil having not eaten of the fruit, figured that the snake wasn't lying. (And why would she think otherwise? She didn't know of Evil or Good... for all she knew God was bad.) So she eats some fruit and feeds it to Adam as well. They both realize that the pervert God is watching them walk around naked, and get upset and put some clothes on.

God, having his porno cancelled, goes down to "fix the reception" if you will. When he gets there, he can't find Adam. (please ignore that he knows everything, so he was just toying with Adam.) "Adam! Where are you dood?"

"I'm over here, behind this tree, naked as a jay bird. I don't want you staring at my naughty parts. I feel dirty. Why are watching me naked. Pervert."

"What? No? I was... WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU WERE NAKED?!! Did you eat of the forbidden fruit?"

"Don't change the subject you sick bastard. Why were you watching me and Eve walk around nude. Don't you have something better to do?"

"DID YOU EAT OF THE FUIT!?!?!?"

"That stupid spare rib of a wife you made me gave it to me. She said it was kiwi fruit, and not forbidden fruit!"

Eve gives Adam that "Oh, you asshole. You are SO sleeping on the couch tonight" look.

Adam hangs his head in shame. No nookie for him tonight, and he only *just* found out what nookie was.

God says, "Oh. Well I guess it's not your fault my poor poor Adam. Eve, why did you eat of the fruit of the tree which I said you could not eat from?"

Eve answered, "Well... as you know, I didn't know anything, and the snake said it was okay if I ate from the tree, and that it would make me smart like you. I was wondering... if you didn't want us to eat from the tree, why the hell did you put it in the garden with us? And I want that roll of film that you used the last time you were here. I'll be dammed if you're going to put that on the internet. "

God replied, "Oh you'll be dammed alright, but first let me deal with that snake. I should probably give him a chance to explain hiself like I did for you and Adam, but I think I'm just going to skip straight to punishment for him.

What the bible says happend:

Originally posted by God:

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"Cursed are you above all the livestock
and all the wild animals!
You will crawl on your belly
and you will eat dust
all the days of your life.
15 And I will put enmity
between you and the woman,
and between your offspring [1] and hers;
he will crush [2] your head,
and you will strike his heel."

---

How I think it happend:
God condems the snake, "Snake. Not good. I don't know what you were thinking, but you're in deep shit. From now on, you have to crawl around on your belly. No longer will you be able to fly through the air like a dart. Also, you'll be eating dust from now on."

Snake begs for mercy, "Dust!? I can't eat dust. I'll die in a few days an you know it. I don't want to die. I was possesed by the son of the morning star... show some mercy, please? How about some eggs? Can I eat eggs, and maybe field mice."

God: "Aw shucks... okay, eggs and field mice. But from now on the humans are going to crush your head whenever they find you."

Eve: "Yeah I am. You stupid little shit."

Snake: "Bah! She's HUGE! You might as well have me go back to eating dust. Now I'm defenseless. woa is me. "

God: "heh. Good point dood. Okay, you can bite her feet."

Snake: "Oh shit, thanks! Crushed head or bitten feet. yeah, I just got ass raped on that deal. Real generous dickhead."

God: "Man, you whine more than lumi. Okay... posiness biting. Eve, if he bites your feet the poisen will fill your body and you will die."

Eve: "lol. Just like I died when I ate from the fruit of the tree? "

God: "No. Seriously this time, the poisen will fill your body and you'll kill over. Sorry about the fruity tree thing. We just didn't want you to realize that you were naked and put clothes on."

Adam: "We? I thought you were the one true God? WTF?"

God: "Oh! Right, yeah, I meant "me" I always confuse thouse... sorry."

Sigmund Frued: "Yeah right."

God: *smites Frued*

Eve is toying with the snake to see if she'll really die this time. She's not sure what death is yet, but it sounds hella fun.

Snake: "Hey, seriously, if I bite you this time, you'll die. Which means you won't live to have kids, and Adam will either lose another rib, or die jerking off."

Eve: "Yeah right... how do you know?"

Snake: "Was I wrong about the forbidden fruit? "

Eve: "..."

God: "Eve, why do you always gotta test me?"

Eve: "Uh... because you lie about stuff."

God: "..."

God: "..."

God: "..bah. That's it, EVE! From now on, childbirth is going to be VERY painful for you. How do you like that?!"

Eve: "I don't care. Adam ain't going to be getting any of this *shakes ass* anyway. I'm in love with the snake, and he'll bite Adam if he even comes near me."

Snake: "yump."

Adam: ""

God: "Okay... well I'll make it so that you desire Adam, and only Adam. I'll even make his willy look like a snake. PLUS! He gets to rule over you, so you have to do what he says. HA!"

Eve and Snake: ""

Adam: "w00t!"

God: "What are you so happy about? I'm not done with you. Since you were stupid enough to listen to Eve, I'm going to make your life hell too. From now on you're going to have to work for your food. And I'm going to make it hard. I'll make plants that you can't even eat grow all up in your food. And, from now on, you're going to be a vegetarian for the rest of your life."

Adam: "Wasn't I before? What's the alternative?"

God: "...*shrug* I hadn't really thought about it. I guess you could eat dust."

Snake "Or eggs. mmmm eggs."

God: "In any case, I really need to get back to the others. *god takes out his cell phone.* "Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever."

Adam: "Now who the hell was that? I thought you were the only God."

God: "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! NOW! Come on, I'll drive you in my beemer."

Originally posted by casinopete:

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but right before they jumped in the car, God realized how nasty it'd be to have Adam's bare ass on His new seat covers, so he slaughtered a couple cattle, locally accelerated time so the skins would tan quicker, then whipped up a wardrobe for the soon to be banished couple.

---

Snake: "Can I come too?"

God: "No. You get to crawl on your belly and eat dirt."

Snake: "Fine, then I'm going to eat some life fruit too."

God: "BAH! Get in."

At the edge of the gate of the garden, God drops the three off outside of the gate and gives them some seeds to plant and a bit of food to keep them alive until the harvest comes in.

So God throws man out of the garden and puts some Cherubims and a flaming sword that slashes every which way to protect the trees of knowledge and life and heads home.

[This message has been edited by HyToFry (edited 04-18-2003 02:38 PM).]

[VinnyQ]

Thank you, HyToFry!

[casinopete]

but right before they jumped in the car, God realized how nasty it'd be to have Adam's bare ass on His new seat covers, so he slaughtered a couple cattle, locally accelerated time so the skins would tan quicker, then whipped up a wardrobe for the soon to be banished couple.

-- courtesy of one of my favorite verses, 3:21:
"The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them."

[This message has been edited by casinopete (edited 04-18-2003 02:22 PM).]

[HyToFry]

Nice! I can't belive I left that out. [=

I'll add it now.

[Hitchhiker]

On to Genesis 4.

Adam and Eve have two kids, Cain and Abel. Cain becomes a farmer and Abel, noticing that there are no girls in the world yet, decides to raise sheep.

God, feeling that it's about time sibling rivalry got introduced to humanity, orders both boys to make him an offering. Cain, naturally, brings "the fruits of the land," while his brother the shepherd slaughters and roasts some sheep.

God is clearly not a vegetarian. He blesses Abel's offering, the lamb chops.

Abel: Ha ha, God likes my flock better than your fruit.
Cain: Go flock yourself.
God: Cain, that is not a nice way to behave. Apologize to your brother.
Cain: No way.

(Later)
Cain: Hey Abel, come out into the field for a second. I have something to show you.
(Cain kills Abel)

God: Cain, where's my favorite *ahem* I mean where's your brother?
Cain: What, am I his baby-sitter or something? I haven't seen him.
God: I'm omniscent, so I already know you killed him.
Cain: Oops.
God: You know what I'm going to do to you?
Cain: Strike me dead with a bolt of lightning?
God: No...
Cain: Give me boils and oozing sores and cut off my manhood?
God: No...
Cain: Cut me into tiny pieces with a razor blade and feed me to the...
God: NO! I'm going to put a mark on your head.
Cain: Oh. I'm scared.
God: So that nobody will ever kill you.
Cain: Huh?
God: And make it so you'll never be a farmer again.
Cain: But I can still be a rock star, right? Or a talk-show host?
God: And send you away from your parents, to the people of the land of Nod.
Cain: Cool! There are other people in the world? Are any of them girls?

[Ghost Post]

Cain always struck me as a big dumb ass. I mean, who lies to God?

[casinopete]

RSA: When did he lie? "Am I my brother's keeper," isn't a lie. And before you accuse me of splitting hairs, reread the story assuming that Cain actually, totally means the question - has wierd effects on the story.

and:
are we allowed to make alternate versions?
not that there's anything wrong with HH's, but I've got an interesting spin to put on Cain/Abel, if no one would mind.

[HyToFry]

Do it. BTW:

"Abel, noticing that there are no girls in the world yet, decides to raise sheep"

Yeah... that had me laughing and my co-workers looking at me.

[VinnyQ]

Encore! Encore!

These are flocking good fun!

[Hitchhiker]

Go for it, casinopete. I can't wait to read it.

[Macros]

bah, i got the story i wanna do in my head, who knows where the story of Gerrymiah and the multicolour vision inducing substances is in the greeatest work of fiction?

[HyToFry]

Are you thinking of Joseph and his coat of many colors?

[casinopete]

Or if you really mean Jeremiah, he's mentioned in 2 Chronicles 35,36, but most of his story can be found in the book of Jeremiah.

[One Skunk Todd]

[Obligatory Jeremiah Humor]I thought he was a bullfrog.[/OJH]

[HyToFry]

And what does he have to do with mulicolor any thing?

[One Skunk Todd]

Well if he drank TOO MUCH of that mighty fine wine, then later there might be some technicolor... oh wait, you meant the other one, sorry.

[Antrax]

By the way, a quick note, if you like this sort of thing, go read God Knows by Joseph Heller. Extremely amusing if you know the bible.
Antrax

------------------
"If it comes down to a choice between being unloved and being vulnerable and sensitive and emotional, then you can just keep your love." -Victor Mancini, "Choke"

[boysavant]

I hate to just be all Christian on you, but:

quote:

---

1. If God didn't want them to eat of the fruit, he could have just NOT PUT IT IN THE GARDEN!
2. God commanded Adam and Eve to have kids, but didn't tell them how to have kids. They had to figure it out by eating of the fruit of the tree. In other words, they had to break one of the commandments.
3. God lies to Adam and Eve. "Don't eat of the fruit, or you'll die." Which was a lie. God was a liar.

---

1. We're on this earth now to be tested and trialed. Going through these trials strengthens us (Hy, I *know* you already know this. You can't live in Utah and not know this.). Why even bother sending us to Earth in the first place? So that we can become like him.

2. Yep. They DID have to break a commandment. And God knew they would, and had to. It's kind of a long discussion about why it had to be Adam and Eve that did it, and not just God telling him.

3. God didn't lie. Adam and Eve suffered spiritual death (Removal from the presence of God). They did die spiritually.