The GL Cannonball Run

[Loki]

The Cannonball Run
Welcome to the first ever Grey Labyrinth Cannonball Run. This is one of the most grueling races in all of racing. Eleven racers, all intent on being the first to race from New York City to Redondo Beach in California. Let’s meet our racers at the starting line at the Redball Garage:

In the #1 spot, in RED, is Courk. Courk, tell us what you’re driving and a little about your strategy:
“I’m driving a 1967 Chevrolet Impala SS, 2-door hardtop, Bolero Red body, shiny chrome trim, a 427 V8, and the windows rolled all the way down the whole time.”


And your strategy?
“Oh, drive wicked fast.”

In the #2 spot, in WHITE, is ShadowSword. SS, what are you driving?
“I’m driving an Ambulance. Yeah, I plan on just blowing through the lights, siren blaring the whole way.”



Isn’t that a little dangerous?
“Well, if there’s an accident, I’ll already be in an ambulance.”

In the #3 spot, in GREEN, is MattewV.
“Ummm, there’s an H in my name…”

No there isn’t.
“Yeah, there is.”

Shut up. What are you driving?
“Well, I’m up for a challenge, so I’m going to be doing the entire race on a green tricycle.



Won’t your legs get tired?
“Nahh, I did the Tour de France on a unicycle, this should be a breeze.”

In the #4 spot, in DARK BLUE, is Zahariel. What are you driving?
“I’m driving a 2035 Toyota Prius Mark 6.”



A car from the future?
“Right. It’s the ultimate liberal car. It’s powered by good vibes and shoots out rainbows as exhaust.”

In the #5 spot, in LIGHT BLUE, is Quailman. What are you driving?
“I’m just driving my personal vehicle, a 2008 Toyota Yaris.”



And what’s your strategy?
“Well, it’d be nice to do some sightseeing along the way…”

In the #6 spot, in MEDIUM BLUE, is raekuul.
“I’ll be driving a…”

OOOH, SLUG BUG! *WHACK*



“Ow, yeah, a blue Volkswagon Beetle.”

And your strategy?
“I’m making a beeline for Cincinnati. I’m not even going to worry about the race until I get some Skyline Chili.”

In the #7 spot, in GREY, is Omega Centauri.
“I’ll be driving the NASA Crawler-Transporter #2, nicknamed Franz”



Isn’t that a little big and slow for a long distance race?
“Yeah, but I can bring along a LOT of luggage.”

In the #8 spot, in PINK, is MNOWAX.
“I’m driving a pink Bugatti Veyron, the fastest production car *in a Jeremy Clarkson Voice* IN THE WORLD!”



Yeah, sorry all the cool colors were taken.

In the #9 spot, in ORANGE, is Zag.
“I’m driving a souped-up Model T.”



What a piece of junk.
“She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”

In the #10 spot, in BLACK, is Dented Ford.
“I’m driving a black Bugatti Veyron.”



Hey, we already have a Veyron in the race.
“Is it black?”

No.
“Pansy.”

In the #11 spot, in YELLOW is Amb… Where is Amb?
Well, that’s odd…





Meanwhile, in Redondo Beach…

Amb: “I’m ready to race to New York guys… Guys? Where is everyone…?”

[Amb]

* Cracks up laughing *

This is exactly what would happen to me in real life too...

[Loki]

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK

With us at the start of the race is sportscasting legend John Madden. John, what are the big issues for spectators to remember as we kick off the race?

Well, the big thing is, you’ve got a lot of cars, and they’re all racing. You’re gonna wanna separate yourself from the pack early and blaze your own trail. But, on the other hand, you don’t want to be sniffing daisies in Manitoba, either.

The first big hurdle is getting the Hell off the island of Manhattan. This is as true today as it was for Kurt Russell. You only have a handful of good options. You can take the Lincoln Tunnel, or you can take the Holland Tunnel.



Someone could try to head for the George Washington Bridge, but that would be insanity.


Racers aren’t allowed to drop cannonballs in New York, so I expect to see a lot of balls once the racers cross into the Garden State.


Of course, you’re going to want to avoid Spider-Man in Manhattan, watch for King Kong around the Empire State Building, and be careful you don’t get killed while passing through New Jersey…

John, I’m taking away your telestrator.

Okay it’s quickly approaching 12 Noon on June 1, 2009, the official start time of the Cannonball Run. All the racers are assembled. And they’re off!

[Loki]

All 10 vehicles have just launched from the starting point. Since they are all on the same street, they are all crawling along at 2.5 miles per hour. They are slowly crawling towards the first intersection, but it’s very slow going in midday Manhattan traffic, and with Omega Centauri’s NASA Crawler-Transporter blocking up the entire roadway…

Over a minute has passed… 12:01:12, they just reached the first intersection at 31st and Lexington, and WAIT A MINUTE, Quailman in his Toyota Yaris just took a quick left onto Lexington. He’s hauling ass down Lexington while the 9 other racers slowly creep along at 2.78 miles per hour. Quailman is going 25mph, and is heading south down Lexington, but he’s coming up to Gramercy Park blocking his path. Oh, he does a quick swerve around the park and continues south.

He’s coming up on E14th Street, I assume he’s going to head for the Holland Tunnel. Wait, no, he took a LEFT onto E14th, and then a right heading south on 2nd Ave. That crazy bastard, is he heading to Brooklyn?!? At 12:04:26 PM, the rest of the pack is in a virtual dead heat, with Quailman apparently off to catch a Mets game.

[Loki]

The rest of the pack finally pulls up to 31st & Park. ShadowSword hangs a left on Park and heads south. The other 8 racers are still trudging through thick traffic and pull up to Madison Ave. Oh, 3 racers just broke right onto Madison Ave going north. It looks like Zahariel, MNOWAX, and Dented Ford are all headed north on Madison. The three of them head to E34th and hang a left… Are they heading towards the Lincoln Tunnel? We’ll have to wait and see.

Coming up on race time 12:06:29pm, Courk, MatthewV, Zag, raekuul, and Omega Centauri are all still clumped together heading west on 31st going a slim 5 miles per hour. It could be a very slow start for these guys.

[MNOWAX]

DF!!!! you stole my Car from Top Gear, you limey bastard! lol at least mines pink...
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The Man The Myth The Legend
MNOWAX

[Quailman]

[Courk]

The Bugatti Veyron was only, what, 5th best around their track? Could have at least gone with the Ascari A10.

[raekuul]

...there was a hush in the passion play!

Okay, how many of us are jammed up like this?

Do you still see me...

[Loki]

ShadowSword really takes off down South. He rides Broadway, taking Broome & Watts to get onto the Holland Tunnel at 12:10:12PM. And, with that, he hits I-78 and floors his ambulance up to 100 miles per hour. In no time, he is the first to cross into New Jersey at 12:10:46. As he pops out the other side, he chucks two cannonballs along his route, then pops onto U.S. 1-9, doing a comfortable 75 miles per hour, with no sign of slowing down. At our marker 12:15:51 PM, ShadowSword is cruising swiftly through New Jersey.

Meanwhile, Quailman crosses the Manhattan Bridge and pulls onto I-278. He floors it to 100mph. The big drawback to this strategy is that he’ll have to cross through Staten Island. Ick.

Let’s check in with the rest of the pack, where midday traffic is still slowing them to a crawl.

Courk, MatthewV, raekuul, Omega Centauri, and Zag have just turned onto Dyer, almost certainly headed for the Lincoln Tunnel. Meanwhile, Zahariel, MNOWAX, and Dented Ford have zipped past them on W 34th Street and have turned onto NY-9A. Hitting the State Route will let them increase their speed, but split three ways, they’re still only going about 17 miles per hour.

Getting the early lead is a must, and right now it looks like a two-man race between Quailman and ShadowSword.

[Loki]

The 3-man group of MNOWAX, Dented Ford, and Zahariel cruises along NY-9A next to the Hudson River. MNOWAX and Dented Ford pull onto the George Washington Bridge going west, but WHAT’S THIS, Zahariel is on I-95 NORTH? He’s headed up towards Albany. I don’t know what kind of detour he’s taking, but I hope he knows what he’s doing.

Our 5 man group successfully crosses into New Jersey and looks to be headed onto I-95S. Courk, raekuul, and MatthewV can be seen getting ready to chuck a cannonball out their windows, but with no one behind them, it’s too little, too late. Wait, MatthewV pulls onto NJ-3. He may be trying to find a way out of the pack.

Quailman chucks a cannonball from his vehicle near the intersection of I-278 & I-95. He’s cruising along I-95 north of Trenton when suddenly his car drops from 100 miles per hour to 25 miles per hour! At the exact moment (12:42:52) that Zahariel, MNOWAX, and Dented Ford pull onto I-95, Quailman’s engine gives out. With some of the 5-pack looking to pull onto I-95S as well, it’s looking like Quailman’s going to have a hard time keeping pace with ShadowSword, who is cruising towards the Pennsylvania border at 100mph.

[Quailman]

bah! At least I'm not too far from getting onto I-295 (NJ Turnpike) for about 60 miles before rejoining I-95.

[Omega Centauri]

I love it.

There needs to be a European sequel to this.

[MNOWAX]

[Courk]

But it took ideal conditions for the thing to hit 253. Around a track where it had to turn various corners, it was not as good.

[Scurra]

Are there corners in the US though? I thought that was always the argument about why European "supercars" were just better than US ones: because they can do corners and US ones can't - because they don't need to.
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_{still Quiz Olympiad champion. Must get a life.
New definitions: COFFEE - someone who is coughed upon}

[Zahariel]

I don't like getting bombed. We'll see what happens.

[lexprod]

This is hilarious, looking forward to more "episodes"

[Courk]

Just to fill some time, while the picture Loki found is a good representation of the car I had in mind, I did mention it has a black roof. Join me in picturing me driving this car:

[raekuul]

It'd be easier if we had a reference of you... are you buried in the Post Crash Picture Thread somewhere?

Edit: removed acronym

[Courk]

[Dented Ford]

It doesn't have to be ideal track conditions to make it the most incredible piece of automotive engineering ever. And only a crass American would desecrate such an icon by painting it pink!

[MNOWAX]

thank you

by the way i swear i didnt choose that color. i got one HELLUVA discount on it because some idiot painted it pink.
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The Man The Myth The Legend
MNOWAX

[Courk]

Update? Pretty please?

[MNOWAX]

its like House, MD when ever it gets good in the season, they dont show it for three weeks due to stupid things like "Football" and "Presidential Addresses"
_________________
The Man The Myth The Legend
MNOWAX

[raekuul]

[MNOWAX]

dont let this die a la RAF...
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The Man The Myth The Legend
MNOWAX

[MNOWAX]

bump on the hope that this will be finished...?
_________________
The Man The Myth The Legend
MNOWAX

[Zag]

Loki hasn't been on in over a week. He is AWOL from two games I am involved in, both of which I am pretty sure he was pretty avid to play. Either he has had major computer problems or something worse has happened. I'm hoping it's merely the former, and that there are no hospitals nor ambulances involved.

[DF*]

Or hopefully nothing as sinister, nor even as problematic as computer problems. Hoping he'll just pop up with a sheepish "yeah, it's just end of semester stuff, had to let stuff slip, I'll be back on it in no time" - that would be best.

[MatthewV]

Maybe he got a girlfriend.

[raekuul]

Best thing for him, worst thing for us.

[MNOWAX]

I am going to give him a month for him to show back up, if not, I will attempt to take over the game and finish it if everyone is game for it
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The Man The Myth The Legend
MNOWAX

[Courk]

I'm of no use, it's since left my sent box. Maybe you can at least get a hold of Loki for my entry?

[raekuul]

Same here.

[Zag]

I've been wondering if this game was the reason Loki disappeared -- he realized what a tremendous amount of work he had signed up for in adjudicating it, and decided that discretion was the better part of valor.

[Quailman]

I prefer to think MatthewV guessed it - a girlfriend.

[MNOWAX]

god i miss this, I may actually attempt to do this, depending on the time next year.

I emailed loki, to see if he is okay, though .
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The Man The Myth The Legend
MNOWAX

[Jedo the Jedi]

This looks awesome!
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Paragon Tally: 18 mafia, 3 SKs (1 twice), 1 cultist, numerous chat scum...and counting.

[Amb]

Loki went off looking for me, who somehow found himself on the moon. I'm sure I was supposed to turn left at Azerbaijan...