The Stupid Peasant

[The Ktulu]

Once there was a stupid peasant.

He wrote a story about himself.

"It's been worn out," Vinny and RSA said.

The End.

[Trogdor!]

Peasants? Where?

*burninates*

[The Ktulu]

There once was a stupid peasant, who was so stupid that he didn't realize that a dragon (man, dragon-man?) with a beefy arm for good measure had come up to him and lit his hair on fire. Lucky for him, he also managed to trip on his toes (hey, he was a stupid peasant, all right?) and he fell into the river.

[Mackay]

Suddenly, the stupid peasant felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see a kindly young woman staring down at him.
"Who - who are y-"
"Shhhh, you've had a bit of a shock," the lady interrupted. Her accent was strange. She wasn't from around these parts. "I saw you get burned, and then fall... I've taken pity on you. Here are some magic beans." And with that, she pressed three lima beans into his hand.
The stupid peasant stared at the beans in his hand for a while, then looked up. "Thankyou, but I can't take -" His words faltered as he realised that she was already gone.

[Agamemnon]

The Peasent then got up and went home.
At home, Alexi the peasent took the beans from his pocket and put them on the table. He then went to a cupboard and took out a saucepan, filled it with water and placed it over the open fire to boil.
"Mmmmm, bean stew for dinner". He said while rubbing his tummy. "First proper meal I'll have since last Monday.
Just then, there was a knock on the door. Alexi walked over and open it.
"Hello there". Said a tall man in an ill fitting suit. "I've just moved in to the ramshakled shed next door, and was wondering if you had any beans you could spare, I've run out completely".
"Er, well, actually, as it is, well, you see, really, I only have these few for my dinner tonight". Shuffled Alexi as he scratched his arse.
"No problem". Replied the tall man. "I'll just join you for dinner".
He pushed past poor old Alexi and sat at the only chair in the room at the table.
Alexi was stunned. He stood there for a brief time just looking at the tall man. Alexi was a good, honest caring peasent, and did not want to keep the tall man away, so he quietly closed the door and went back to where the tall man was sitting.
"I'm a poor honest peasent". Said Alexi. "I have very very little and own nothing but the clothes on my back and this small cardboard shelter. I go about life in a happy cheerful manner, helping those in need and asking nothing in return for myself, except the self warmth that I've done good to help others. I will be happy to share my only meal with you, and ask for nothing except that one day you may think on this day and help others in return".
"That's nice". Smiled the tall man. "Now where's my dinner".
Alexi nodded, walked towards the saucepan, stirred it then took two plates from the side.
"This is my plate". Chuffed Alexi. "It is a special plate given to me by my late mother, so it means a lot to me to eat my only meal from it".
"Fine". Beamed the tall man.
"And this plate is yours." Growled Alexi as he took the plate and smashed it in the tall mans face. The tall man fell backwards onto the floor. Alexi jumped on top of him, hitting him with both fists and biting lumps of flesh out of his face. The tall man was trying to protect himself but Alexi was stronger as he beat the tall man unconcious.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..........I've had enough of those bastards taking advantage of me, this is the new bastard peasent, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, no one is gonna fuck me about anymore"
The tall man open an eye.
"Is the bean stew ready yet?"

[The Ktulu]

Then the peasant Alexi calmed down and gave into his meek lifestyle. "Yeah, just a minute," he told the tall man.

[Buzzsaw]

Agamemnon!

[Mackay]

Alexi looked at the hunks of the tall man's flesh lying about on the floor of the cottage, ripped off the poor man's face only moments ago by his own teeth.
"Ah well, waste not, want not," he sighed as he threw them in the stew, and stirred the bubbling mixture happily. What a day this was turning out to be! Three lima beans, AND some meat!

[The Ktulu]

The tall man, sans flesh, stood up in a howling pain. Because his body was so torn it was hard to stand, but with his dying breath he managed to ask, "So...is the stew...ready yet?"

[Huey]

O_o

OMFGLMAO. What's wrong with you demented peoples?

[The Ktulu]

Alexi, stirring half the tall man (who was now the tall and very skinny man) in his stew, turned to Huey and said, "You said it yourself; they're demented."

[Mackay]

And with that, the tall and skinny man made a noise that was a cross between a "plop" and a "slurp" and disappeared beneath the surface of the stew. Alexi turned to Huey with a big grin.
"Dinner's ready!" he said.

Now Huey wasn't sure about this whole cannibalism thing, but he had had a rather long and tiresome day after falling into the story. Also, he'd been reading before he was sucked in, and he noted that the lima beans in the soup were of quite a magical nature. Though apparently bathing with them didn't help - the poor tall man, mused Huey, as Alexi ladled stew into his bowl. But all thoughts of tall men and lima beans, magical or otherwise, were gone from Huey's head the moment he sank his teeth into that tender, tender juicy man-flesh.

[Kd]

Mackay? Sweety? Movie Mafia is OVER. No more eating people, please.

[Huey]

Crikey! How'd I ended up in this demented world of yours? I am really hungry tho'. Gonna go find some food.

[The Ktulu]

Alexi looked at the newly-arrived Kd and said, "Who is this Mackay you speak of?" He then recognized Kd. "Oh, you're the tall and skinny man's wife. Hmmm. We've got to eat you as well."

And with that, Alexi gave Kd the same treatment he gave to the tall (and skinny) man.

[Mackay]

Well, not quite the "same treatment". Instead, she was roasted lightly, her young limbs cooked to perfection, her bland English flavour offset with just a hint of seasoning.

Huey patted his stomach after the big meal and sat back. "Well, Alexi," - these were the first words either of them had uttered since tucking into the hearty meal - "what shall we do now?"

"I'm going to see if there are any leftovers." Alexi waddled over to the stove. Sitting in the bottom of the giant saucepan were the three lima beans given to Alexi by the strange woman. He plucked them out of the pot and carried them over to Huey. Alexi placed the beans on the table and sat. neither of the two spoke a word, as they stared at the beans, wondering what they should do next.

[The Ktulu]

WHOOSH! Alexi's door broke down with the fury of the awakened monster, Cthulhu The Ktulu. He stomped into the room where Alexi and Huey were looking upon the three lima beans hungrily.

The Ktulu roared with anger: "You! You don't eat those beans! Those beans are for Mackay and me only! They're our beans!" That said, he swiped the three beans from the table and left the room.

Huey and Alexi looked at each other blankly.

"What do you suppose that was about?" Huey asked.

"I don't know," replied Alexi. "But that's the second time I've heard of this Mackay person, and I don't know who that is."

[The Ktulu]

Somewhere else in the kingdom, a kindly young woman--the same kindly young woman we met ealier giving three magical lima beans to Alexi--was being accosted by the Mackay.

"How did you get our beans?" she asked the kindly--now frightened--young woman. "You stole those beans from me!"

The frightened young woman spit in Mackay's face. "Go to Hell."

A South Asian, who happened to be nearly, began to Rage. "What did you say to Mackay?" He picked up the frightened young woman and threw her into another thread, where at the time Trogdor was burninating the countryside, the peasants, all the people, and the thatched-roof cottages.

------

Back at Alexi's tore-down wreck of a cottage--of which the walls had fallen after The Ktulu's departure; Alexi and Huey sat at a table outside now--Alexi said, "Well, what do we do now?"

Huey said, "I don't know."

"There's got to be something."

"Like what? The story started out with some beans and now the beans are gone. It would seem like the end."

"But it can't be the end! We're still here!"

"Maybe it's an intermission or something."

"Oh, intermission my arse!"

INTERMISSION

[The Ktulu]

SOME OFFSCREEN VOICE: This is the intermission. We'll be taking a break, and the play will continue when we return.

Alexi: How long do you think this intermission will last?

Huey: I don't know.

[Agamemnon]

The scene pans out to a large boggy field. In the fields on the left are thousands of armoured soliders, behind them lay lines of weaponed cavelry and behind them, hundreds of canons.
To the right of the field is Alexi's hut.

General Bigbustard: So, this is where the great king of Latrinia is hiding?
Colonel Fekker: Yes sir. Shall I sound the charge?
General Bigbustard: Hold on, we must not be harsh. King Munk is a fierce fighter, he's defeated masses of soldiers before, just with his bare hands. Don't forget, he has the human form right now, but beneath that mild exterior lies the body and strength of a thousand monsters. If we rush this we could be beaten before we even strike. Send a messenger to talk first, it could save our souls.

Colonel Fekker orders a messenger to ride to the hut

Scene cut to inside the hut.

Huey: So then, how about a game of monoploy or something.
Alexi: All I've got is a broken game of 'Cludo', with all the people missing..........and the cards missing......and the dice missing.
Huey: So all you've got is the board?
Alexi: Er......that's missing too.

Just then, there was a knock on the repaired door

Alexi: Bloody Jehova's

Alexi open the door to a soldier standing there

Soldier: I have come here, on orders from General Bigbustard, to arrange a meeting with King Munk. The general requests that you meet him, to talk and understand our plight, maybe to come to an arrangement instead of war, which is beneficial to both of us. If you refuse, the general will order the charge of the 60,000 men he has across the field towards this hut, where death and bloodshed will occur.
Alexi: King Munk you say?
Soldier: Yes.
Alexi: Oh, you have the wrong hut. King Munk lives in the next field.
Soldier: I am sorry old chum, do forgive me please.

Soldier rides off back to the massed troops

Huey; So then, what about the beans?

[Huey]

Just then Agamenon the drunk Egyptian with three buttocks showed up and fell on his face and had a euphemism

[This message has been edited by Huey (edited 01-28-2004 04:09 PM).]