Jokes II

[Chuck]

[Quailman]

Dear Lord, last year you took my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze. And last year you took my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett. Also, you took my favorite singer, Michael Jackson. Dear Lord, I want you to know that my favorite President is Barack Obama.

[Antrax]

What's scary is that we tell the same joke only with Ahmadinejad as the punchline.
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After years of disappointment with get rich quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme. And quick!

[MatthewV]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

[Poisonium]

[Chuck]

[Quailman]

It was the first day of school in central Illinois. In Miss Landers' first grade class, one of the students asked why she had a Chicago Cubs pennant hanging on the wall. She answered, "It's because I am a Cubs fan. Are any of you Cubs fans?" Not wanting to be left out, all the kids raised thier hands. All, except one little girl. "Aren't you a Cubs fan?" asked Miss Landers.

"No, I am a Cardinals fan," said the little girl.

"And why is that?" asked the teacher.

"Well, my father is a Cardinals fan, and my mother is a Cardinals fan, so I am a Cardinals fan." she replied.

The teacher asked, "You should make up your own mind. What if your father was a moron and your mother was an idiot?"

"Then I'd be a Cubs fan."

[Dread Pirate Westley]

[offhand]Hated Cardinals[/offhand]

[Chuck]

[Samadhi]

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And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[Sessie]

That's oddly touching.
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"I have an everyday religion that works for me: love yourself first, and everything else falls into line." --Lucille Ball

[wordcross]

I'm trying to decide if it's weirder if this father had a son or a daughter. It's bizarre enough to be a tough call.
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Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

[Samadhi]

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And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[Samadhi]

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And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[Samadhi]

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And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[wordcross]

Woooow, that is some twisted comedy
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Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

[Chuck]

[Samadhi]

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And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[Samadhi]

Man: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.
Doc: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
Man: 'Is it common?'I asked.
Doc: 'It's not unusual'.
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And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[Dragon Phoenix]

A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you breakfast would be ready in a couple of secs..."
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My photography:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/artrock2006/

[Chaz]

[Samadhi]

Any gay man would.
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And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[Dragon Phoenix]

A geneticist, a physiologist and a physicist were summoned to meet a wealthy racehorse magnate. He told them he would give a million pounds to the one who could accurately identify race-winning horses. After six months of hard work, they returned to present their results to the expectant millionaire.

The geneticist said, "I've looked into all the current genetic research, checked blood-lines going back decades, but there are just too many behavioural and environmental factors. I can't help."

The physiologist said, "I've looked at muscle mass, bone volume and density, and all the other factors I can think of, but the problem's too complex. There's just no guarantee of predicting a winner."

Finally, the physicist calmly walks up to the millionaire and gives him an index card. "Here you go," he says "I've found an equation that solves the problem for you."

"Wow," said the millionaire, "That's impressive...I'll get my cheque book."

"Great. But there's one thing you should know," said the physicist. "It only works for a spherically symmetric horse travelling in a vacuum."
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My photography:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/artrock2006/

[Legion*]

I recently got into snail racing, bought myself a thoroughbred snail and trained it rigorously. It still underperformed, in an effort to gain advantage, I've removed its shell. That hasn't helped, if anything its made it even more sluggish.

[Mr Nigma]

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Freedom is not free

[Chuck]

[Scurra]

Why do almost all drawings through "binoculars" have that weird double-circle thing going on? Maybe people don't know how to adjust them properly?

On-topic - my favourite current UK political joke: "Conservatives - putting the N in cuts".
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_{still Quiz Olympiad champion. Must get a life.
New definitions: COFFEE - someone who is coughed upon}

[Chaz]

Some of you may have seen this in the Ads currently on the GL.

[Dragon Phoenix]

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
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My photography:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/artrock2006/

[Pablo]

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All religions are the same - Guilt....just with different holidays.

[Samadhi]

[MatthewV]

cuts + n = [cunts]

[Samadhi]

This is why I'm horrible at the cryptics.
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And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[Chaz]

[wordcross]

Dammit, facebook has gone and pavloved me into wanting a "like" button for GL posts. Especially since I like so much of Chaz's stuff there anyway.

Yes, I totally verbed pavlov.
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Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

[Leppy*]

What's the difference between a capricious hockey player and a Polish feminist?

One's a fickle pucker.

(I made that up just now: Polish because of their love of pickles.)

[Pablo]

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster preparer and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits.
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All religions are the same - Guilt....just with different holidays.

[Chaz]

Ew
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The enemy's base is down.

[Zag]

What's the difference between David Copperfield and the Rockettes?

David Copperfield has a cunning array of stunts!

[Pablo]

What's the difference between a woman getting out of the bathtub and a woman getting out of church?

Come on - you've heard this one before!
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All religions are the same - Guilt....just with different holidays.