Jokes II

[Chuck]

[Dragon Phoenix]

click.

[Chuck]

[Courk]

Lol DP. I'm so used to that I don't even read them anymore. i was about ready to tell you something was wrong.

[Werebear]

A GL newbie opens a thread and asks how to change a light bulb.

5 minutes later an experienced forum member posts detailed instructions.
5 other members post their similar experiences changing light bulbs.
7 report on other methods for changing light bulbs.
3 point out the typos and grammar mistakes in the light bulb posts.
8 members are upset about the grammar experts.
9 write that this is not the right place for discussing light bulbs and this discussion should be carried on in old.lite.bulb.
10 defend the thread, since we all use light bulbs and this thread therefore belongs in the Off Topic forum.
21 members debate which light bulb changing method is superior, where the best light bulbs can be purchased, which kind of light bulb is best and which brands are bad quality.
6 post URLs which show light bulbs.
5 say that the previous URLs are wrong and post the right addresses.
14 quote the complete posts and write “Me too.” under them.
7 announce that they will leave the forum because they can’t stand these constant light bulb discussions.
1 member suggests starting a light bulb forum.
2 say that OT has already been set up for that topic.
4 suggest that the posters read the light bulb FAQ.
5 members point out old threads that have already handled this topic.
6 members debate the constitutionality of changing light bulbs in a democracy or a republic
2 members post that it is illegal to change light bulbs.
8 members reply that this is an international forum, and is only illegal in certain countries.

Answer: It takes 128 GL members to change one light bulb.

[TANSTAAFL]

lol @ werebear

[Vinny]

quote:

---

lol @ werebear

---

hahahahah! Me too!

[Beartalon]

And how many Werebears does it take to change a lightbulb?

[Werebear]

What's a lightbulb?

[Vegtable2001]

You forgot the 3, who say lightbulbs are the only thing standing between the world, and total chaos and genicide.

------------------
Thats my opinion.... I probably don't care about yours

[Dread Pirate Westley]

It takes exactly 1 GLer to light a light bulb. Just post, and poof. On it goes!

------------------
The sooner you accept one simple truth, the sooner we can all get along with our lives.

I'm right.

[Werebear]

FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN By Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. You should not confuse your career with your life.
5. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
6. Never lick a steak knife.
7. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
8. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
9. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
13. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals
built the Titanic.
And no ... you don't have to forward this to anyone in order for your life
to take on new meaning...

[VinnyQ]

quote:

---

9. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

---

ROFL!

I love Dave Barry!

[Werebear]

Australia got drunk again...

[Chuck]

The Empire Strikes Back (Real Ending)

The TRUE ending to "the Empire Strikes Back":
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

[Chuck]

[EEEM]

[MatthewV]

DP...you should be able to find a better one here
http://www.plinko.net/404/area404.asp

[polyhymniastar]

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.

Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Hitchhiker]

(Inv. for adult content)

Guys at a bar are discussing their favorite sexual positions, nd one says, "Oh, I like 'rodeo' best, but I'm getting too old for it."
The others are intrigued and finally someone asks, "What's rodeo?"

"Well, you're doing it doggie-style, and just before you come, you whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes it this way too.'

...Then you try to stay on for the next eight seconds!"

[wordcross]

Four men go golfing one day, and as they are approaching the tee, one of them leaves to use the restroom. While he is away, the subject of conversation turns to their sons.

When asked was his son does for a living, the first man says, "My son is a successful Computer Systems Analyst. In fact, he's doing so well, that he just bought his lover a new car!"

The second man, not to be outdone, says, "Yes, well my son is a successful trial lawyer, and he just bought his lover a new boat!"

The third man looks smug as he says, "My son, he's a talented Neuro-surgeon, and he just bought his lover a new House!"

The other guys are suitably impressed, and finally, the fourth man comes back from the bathroom. Curious, the other guys ask him about his son.

"Oh," said the fourth man sadly, "My son is gay."

"We're sorry to hear that," said the others, sharing the man's disapproval.

"Yeah," said the fourth man. "I didn't know why he made that decision at first, but I just found out that his last three lovers gave him a new car, a new boat, and a new house!"

[Salty]

Hope this hasn't been posted before:

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a
really bad day. Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks
out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking
towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside he thinks again "I
hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school.
He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later his inflatable
mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable
police.

Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.
Later on in the evening he wakes up in inflatable hospital and
sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his
deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've
let yourself down"

[VinnyQ]

A drunk proton swiggled his way into a bar and ask for a shot of tequilla.

"You sure you can handle another one?" asked the bartender, to which the proton replied

"I am positive."

[VinnyQ]

Another clean joke:

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the forest. The bear turned to the rabbit conversationally and asked:

"Do you have problem with sh*t sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit shook his head, "no."

So the bear took the rabbit and wiped his ass with it.

[Mr Nigma]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible drug dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

------------------
I'm a figment of my imagination.
Cognito, ergo sum.

[Mr Nigma]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No,! " she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."


bada-bing

[Chuck]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here? "Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

[Dragon Phoenix]

So this pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants, and sits down like nothing's happening.
The bartender kinda leans in, and half-whispers "Ya know, sir, that um ... you have a steering wheel sticking out down there..."
And the pirate says "Arrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

[Mr Nigma]

Ar!

[Dread Pirate Westley]

Please note that was not a Dread Pirate.

[Scotty Ø]

TWO JOKES ABOUT CHEATIN'

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his
friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to
get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough
clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from
the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh!
Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she
does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home
a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home
and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some
Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk
pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies "I did, they were in your tackle box."

-------------------------------------------------

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2
hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "
How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the
shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in
the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing
hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left
here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

[Pablo]

The phone rings early in the morning and she answers it. Her side of the conversation: "Hi, honey..... OK....that's great.....OK....see you tonight."

Her bed partner says, "Was that your husband?"

She: "Yes"

He: "What did he say?"

She: "He said the two of you are having a great time fishing"

[This message has been edited by Pablo (edited 01-25-2003 11:00 AM).]

[Chuck]

[Borodog]

A young priest, just out of the seminary, is sent to the mission fields in deepest, darkest Africa. Teaching a local chief the ways of God and the English, he strolls the jungle pointing out objects and saying their names.

"Rock," says the priest.

"Rrrock," says the chief.

"Tree," says the priest.

"Trrree," says the chief.

"Bush," says the priest.

"Buuush," says the chief.

Just then they realize the bush is shaking wildly, with strange moaning noises emanating from it. Moving closer, they are shocked to discover a native man and woman behind the bush having sex.

The priest, very embarrassed, turn bright red and stammers, "Uh, uh, Man, uh, riding bicycle."

The chief scowls, pulls out his blow gun, and shoots both the man and the woman dead!

The priest is aghast. "What in Heaven's name did you do that for?" he demanded.

The chief pounds his chest angrilly and says, "Man riding my bicycle!"


------------------
Insert humorous sig here.

[The Levite]

Nigma: I read your joke and I thought that it was sort of lame until I got to your comment at the end which made me laugh hysterically...

*looks around at staring people for a moment laughs and sinks into the floor*

Ignore my rambling insanity...

[Mr Nigma]

Er, thanks.

(I assume you mean the second one)

[Edit=damn typos]
------------------
I'm a figment of my imagination.
Cognito, ergo sum.



[This message has been edited by Mr Nigma (edited 01-26-2003 12:29 AM).]

[Chuck]

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!"