Jokes II

[Chuck]

A really good-looking girl was giving a man a manicure in the barber shop.

"How about a date when you finish work?" he asked.

"I can't" she replied, "I am married."

"So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a sick girlfriend," said the man.

"Why don't you tell him yourself" said the girl, "he's the one shaving you."

[Chuck]

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

[mikegoo]

Q: What do you get when you goose a ghost? A: A hand full of sheet

[firemeboy]

Since it's halloween. A guy was hitchhiking down a deserted road in the dark. A car slowly pulled up to him so he hopped in the back. But when he looked up to tell the driver thanks there was nobody there. Hw was about to jump out when the car started again. He was terrified by the whole event. He noticed that whenever the car needed to turn, a hand would reach in from the open window and crank the wheel.

The car stopped some time later at a road side diner. He jumped out, raced into the diner and yelled, "There's a haunted car outside! It moves without a driver, and a floating hand reaches in to turn the wheel!"

Just at that moment three sweaty guys come in, point at the guy and yell, "That's the idiot that jumped into the car we were pushing!"

[Pablo]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert
or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for
a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only
one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded
by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right there with us.

I pulled out the wine and bread to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out
of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours!

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said
to him, Mr. Pope, we're staying right here."

"And then what," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

[Chuck]

There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing.

They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

[Chuck]

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

[Chuck]

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forget."

[Beartalon]

Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you have started. I am now making a point of always finishing what I start and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace.

Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you.

Here are the things that I have finished today:

• Two bags of potato chips
• a strawberry cheesecake
• a package of Oreos
• a bottle of wine
• and a small box of chocolates

I think this really works because I feel better already.

Pass this along to anyone you know who may need inner peace.

[Quailman]

Q: Why don't witches wear underpants?

A: To get a better grip on their brooms!

[VinnyQ]

~groans, Quailman

[Chuck]

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. A passerby asked him why he bought that kind of dog. The cowboy answered, "Somebody told me to get along little doggie."

[Chuck]

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you`ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.

The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here`s a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here`s an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here`s an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You`ve got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You`re so smart, YOU tell ME!"

[Chuck]

You Might Be A Jedi Redneck If...

1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
   
2. Your Jedi robe is camouflaged.
   
3. You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
   
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
   
5. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
   
6. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
   
7. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum Skeeters.
   
8. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
   
9. You have ever used the force to get yourself another Bud Light so you didn't miss an interview with any of the Allisons.
   
10. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
    
11. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
    
12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
    
13. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
    
14. You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
    
15. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
    
16. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
    
17. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
    
18. If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."

[Chuck]

[firemeboy]

I've heard of a couple more redneck jedi ones...

If you've ever lifted yourself off of the couch using the force from within, but not The Force.

You didn't see anything wrong with Luke marrying Princess Leah...

[Sparticus]

The answering machine at the Mental Hospital

"Hello, and welcome to the mental hospital hotline......."If you are
obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the
mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you
which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number and mothers maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder,
s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term
memory
loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy
to
talk to YOU.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You
won't
be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

------------------
I am still Sparticus, no matter what you say.

Quote Set of the Week, from Oxford's Dictionary of Humorous Quotations
This Week's Category: Acting

Shakespeare is so tiring. You never get a chance to sit down unless you're a king.
-Josephine Hull

(to a group of American ladies, assembled to play ladies-in-waiting to a queen)
Ladies, just a little more virginity, if you don't mind.
-Herbert Beerbohm Tree

[Chuck]

[Buzzsaw]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!

[Antrax]

That "Answering Machine" thing was posted like 6 times on the last thread =P
Antrax

------------------
"If it comes down to a choice between being unloved and being vulnerable and sensitive and emotional, then you can just keep your love." -Victor Mancini, "Choke"

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Beartalon]

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big.

10% of women think their ass is too little.

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway...

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[VinnyQ]

So three pieces of string walk into a bar,
first piece of string walks up to the bar,
slams his fist down and says "bartender, give me a beer!".

Bartender looks at him and says "we dont serve string here".
Piece of string hangs his head and walks out.

Second piece of string walks into the bar, slams his fist down and says, " bartender, give me a shot!".
Bartender looks him up and down, rolls his eyes and says "look buddy, i told your friend, we dont serve string here." Piece of string hangs his head and walks out.

Now, the third piece of sting, he's a bit smarter than the others two. He watches this all go on and things to his little stringy self, then he messes up his hair and ties himself in a knot.
He walks into the bar and slams his fist down, says "bartender, give me a beer!"

Bartender looks him up and down, then looks him up and down again, and says "hey, arent you a piece of string"

Piece of string looks at him and says,

"no...i'm a frayed knot"

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[robichelli]

THIS CONTAINS ADULT HUMOR, BUT HAS BEEN INVIZZED AND DUMBED DOWN
So Cinderella can't go to the ball because of her wicked sisters and she's sobbing. All of the sudden her fairy godmother appears and creates a huge dress and carriage for her. The godmother warns her that if she doesn't get home by midnight her "Female genetalia" will turn into a pumpkin.

So she goes to the ball and she pickes up this really hot guy and she dances with him for the whole night. Just as the clock strikes twelve she tells him she has to go.
He says "Wait what's your name?"
"Cinderella," she says, "What's yours?"
"Peter Pumpkin eater"
"Oh, then in that case I'll stay".

[phileris]

This guy breaks into a house.As he grabs the CD player he hears a strange voice behind him:"Jesus can see you" .The burglar panics and looks around but he can't see anyone so he goes for the CD player again.After a while, he hears the same voice behind him.He looks around again and sees a parrot."I was talking to you,my name is Moses" sais the parrot.
-"Moses? What kind of an idiot names his parrot Moses?"
-"The same kind of idiot who names the bulldog Jesus".

[VinnyQ]

warning: contain naughty language and adult content

A very wealthy man felt that he already had everything in the world that he needed, but he was still very unhappy and unsastified, so he set out to discover the meaning of life and his purpose for living. Finally, after much searching, he hiked up a dangerous mountain trail to the summit, and there he found a little cottage where resided a Zen Master.

One look at the Master and the man knew that this man will tell him what he needed to know. The wealthy man bowed his head in humility and asked the Master,

"Please tell me the meaning of life, Master, and my purpose for living."

"My son," said the Master. "Can your penis reach around to your back?"

The man was perplexed. "No," he answered, shaking his head.

"Please come back when your penis are able to reach your back," replied the Master.

The man was confused, but the Zen Master was already in a deep trance. So the man went down the mountain and he started training himself. Vitamins, nutrients, penis pump, stretching exercises, everything that he can find.

5 years later, his penis had grown considerably in length, but he was still unable to get it to reach his back side. Thinking maybe this is good enough, the man hiked up the mountain to the Zen Master's cottage and again asked about the meaning of life.

"My son, are your penis able to reach your back?" The Zen Master asked.

"No," the man replied, "but it's halfway there."

"Please come back when it is so," said the Master, and before the man could ask any questions, he went into a deep trance.

Frustrated, the man hiked back down the mountain and redoubled his effort. Every vitamins and nutrients he can find under the sun, more rigerous exercises, special physical therapy, everything.

5 years later, he got it to a point so that his penis can almost completely reach around to the back, barely. Ok, he thought to himself, this should be good enough. He went back up the mountain to see the Zen Master.

"It is nice to see you again, my son," said the Zen Master. "Your penis are able to reach your back then?"

"Uh ... " said the man, " almost, but not quite."

"Come back again when you can do so," said the Master.

"Holdon!" shouted the man, very frustrated. "Why must I do this?"
The Zen Master ignored him completely and went back into meditation.

Very angry and frustrated, but resigned to the Zen Master will, the man went back home and applied himself to that final stretch. Another 5 years passed and after major endurances and trainings, the man was finally able to get his penis to reach completely around to his back side. Very proud and happy, the man journeyed back to the mountain to seek the Zen Master.

"Greeting again my son," said the Zen Master.

Beaming, the man again asked about the meaning of life and his purpose for living.

"Are your penis able to reach around to your back?" asked the Zen Master.

"Yes!" said the man proudly, and dropped his pants to prove it to the Master. "Now will you tell me what I seek?"

"Very good, my son, " the Zen Master replied, closed his eyes, and said:

"Now ... go f*ck yourself."



[This message has been edited by VinnyQ (edited 11-23-2002 12:45 AM).]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[Chuck]

[wordcross]

For New Year's Eve this year, the officials at Times Square wanted to spice up the celebration with something a little more daring than the traditional countdown. So now instead of the Ball drop at Midnight, they're going to have Michael Jackson drop his baby.

------------------
I'm not an actor, but i play one on TV.
GLih8evilstuff: I hope you never call me, my caller ID would explode.
I dont' suffer from Insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!

[Beartalon]

Some New Software

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Partner1.0). Recently he upgraded Partner1.0 to LifePartner1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and LifePartner1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, LifePartner1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as ex-boyfriends and excess emotional baggage.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend4.0...

• A "Don't remind me again" button
• Minimize button
• Shutdown feature
• An install shield feature so that GirlFriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but since they both use the same I/O port I got a conflict. Then I tried to unistall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put child folders in my system directory. Perhaps this can be fixed in a new release, so I can test out new software before deciding to buy.

Another thing that sucks in all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

BUG WARNING!!!

LifePartner1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install NewGirlFriend1.1 before uninstalling LifePartner 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files and attempt to corrupt all contact databases before doing the uninstall itself. Then NewGirlFriend1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

[Beartalon]

Stuff for Women:

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world". The woman says, "I'll miss you."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: Either a rumour or gay.

He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said: Well, you succeeded.

He said - Two inches more and I would be king.
She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen.

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere..."
Written just below it: "I do not"

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.