Help! (chess)

[Mackay]

I am so arrogant.

I've had this running joke of competitiveness with one of my fellow bar staff where I work, and we always seem to break even. Yesterday I told him, "Bob, we need to settle this once and for all. We need a challenge."

He loved the idea, of course, the kind of "deciding blow" that would settle... well, not much really, but would decide who was the overall "winner" after the long while we've been working together.

"Any ideas?" I asked.
"Do you play chess?" said Bob.

This is where I made my mistake. Bob is a pretty clever guy, but I am very arrogant about my brains and quite sure that I am the smartest staff member where I work. I did not question this choice of challenge whatsoever, but instead said "CHESS! That would be perfect!"
"Oh, you do play chess?"
"Not for a few years, but yeah, I know how."
"Oh good. It's a deal then?"
"Oh heck yes. I'm going to kick your arse, Robert. You know it." (Ahhh, the evils of taunting out of ignorance.)
"No, you're not. I used to play competitively at State level."
..." "

Now the truth is, I am an adequate chess player. Just adequate. I can consistently beat other people who, like me, have only really played as a casual, recreational kind of thing. But I have no idea when it comes to strategy or certain playstyles or whatnot. I have about three or four months to polish myself to a level where... well, I'll still lose, most likely. But I don't want to lose badly. What a blow to my insufferable arrogance that would be!

I was wondering whether anyone would be willing to take me aside and give me some pointers - on AIM, via email, in this thread, even. It would be very, very much appreciated. I am too darn competitive for my own good.

[casinopete]

Challenge him to play Go instead, explanation being that you would start on a more even footing.

[extro...]

There are some great programs for learning chess - and not just introductory. Maybe this.

But you'll probably still lose. And badly.

[Chuck]

Find a little known variant of chess and practice it, then insist that that's what you agreed to play.

[Courk]

Just play checkers. Compliment his fancy horsey checkers. Yell at him when he moves his checker illegally.

[Jedo the Jedi]

Go with the Sicillian. It's named after Vizzini from The Princess Bride. WIFOM, etc.

[Antrax]

Don't go with the Sicillian.

Choose a rare and twisted opening, and study it in-depth. As white, you can try g4, b4, f3 or any of the such. As black, you'd need to study more, but you can try Nc6 on e4 and try to push for the counter-gambit on d4 (d4 d5 c4 e6 Nc3 c5) or ask someone who knows about d4 more than I do. Push for a short time limit so he won't have time to adapt, and get him drunk before
Aim for a quick slaughter - use your superior knowledge of that opening to go for some crazy attack, and hope that in the time he has he won't figure out a defense.
Then you'll still lose, but you'll have put a good fight
_________________
After years of disappointment with get rich quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme. And quick!

[Dragon Phoenix]

Get a reasonable computer (you can download programmes) and start playing a lot. Look where you went wrong in games you lost.

If you want, save the notation of crucial games and send them to me for evaluation.

[edit]Excellent freeware

[Samadhi]

Postpone the game for two years, listen well to everyone else who's posted.
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And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[Mackay]

I've postponed it to "right before I leave", which is where I was hoping you guys would come in.

Extro is correct, I am bound to lose. But I don't want him to have the satisfaction of completely kicking my ass, because I know I am awesomer than Bob is.

(OK, well, no. Bob is pretty darn cool... damnit!)

Thanks everyone for the tips so far - I am thinking I will study some crazy opening moves like Ant suggested, just in case I can pull them off, and in the meantime get lots and lots of practice.

*downloads chess programs*

[Antrax]

Don't practice crazy openings on computers, it's futile for most part. You can't confuse computers like you do people (there are ways to confuse computers, though, but that's besides the point). I recommend signing up to freechess.org and just playing against humans.
_________________
After years of disappointment with get rich quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme. And quick!

[Mackay]

Got any suggestions for crazy opening moves?

casinopete has offered himself as a sparring partner, more are welcome.

Won't play on the GL though, too embarrassed by my unl33tness.

[Antrax]

There are some openings that are wacky but good. For example, 1. f4. The problem is, any respectable player knows them, and has one variant he memorised against them that gets him safely to the midgame without losing too much. So, you'll want to look into 1. b4 (I believe it's called the polish opening), g4 (I don't know of any name for this - it's basically a glorified opening trap) and f3 (the hippopotamus defense. follow by Nh3, Nf2 and you have a stronghold on e4 and a position that's awkward to attack, at the expense of having nothing else)
_________________
After years of disappointment with get rich quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme. And quick!

[Dragon Phoenix]

[show-off]1. g2-g4 = Grob
1. b2-b4 - Sokolski or orang-utan (Polish is the corresponding defence with b7-b5)[/show-off]

[extro...]

Brush up on the armadillo maneuver and the fibonacci gesture.

[Jedo the Jedi]

Is the fibonacci gesture like the middle finger?

I see a way out of this, Mackay. Since it is postponed until just before you leave, you can somehow get a chance to leave sooner and not have to play at all.

Barring that, I think he cheated in the game picking. He tricked you into playing his strength. You should point this out to him and agree on a game that neither of you have played before, this way you are both inexperienced.

Barring that, stick your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye.

[L'lanmal]

For inspiration, maybe read Unicorn Variation? (Zelazny chess short story, 1982 hugo winner.)

[alphatango]

If you don't want to lose, your best chance is to find some obscure and crazy opening line. Chance of success is low, but it's the only real chance you have while you're still on equal terms. If anything, he's likely to be the one playing the wacky variations on opening moves.

If you don't want to lose badly, however, you're probably better off brushing up on tactical manoeuvres -- pins, forks, skewers as a basic start -- and if you have time, a little positional stuff. Force him to find some (relatively) subtle advantage to beat you, rather than simply munching up all your pieces with tactical moves.

*wades over to the Sparring Manatee pool*
_________________
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted." -- Fred Allen

Keeper of the Eternal Flame of the Inner Geek.

[Antrax]

What a marevellous idea.
_________________
After years of disappointment with get rich quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme. And quick!

[dethwing]

Makes you wish you had come up with it.

[GH]

There is a Dilbert cartoon where Dogbert is not faring well in a chess game with Dilbert. Rather than continue and lose, Dogbert picks up his queen, waylays the rest of the board, and yells "My queen has an Uzi in her purse! She slays your entire side!"

Keep that strategy in mind.

[Jedo the Jedi]

[dethwing]

So hows the preperation going? Did you play him yet?

[groza528]

Whenever he makes a non-standard move (i.e. castling, en passant, that may be about it ) question it... he might doubt your knowledge of the game, and get sloppy.
Likewise, you can ask for a reminder about what the pieces do at the beginning. Even if it doesn't make him sloppy, you can use it as an excuse when he trounces you.

[Dragon Phoenix]

Try to get this position and it's a sure win:

[CrystyB]

[groza528]

Well, that doesn't work if she's white and plays a two-square opening...
Do you know what colour you're playing?

[Samadhi]

Why would she?
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And he lived happily ever after. Except for the dieing at the end and the heartbreak in between.

[groza528]

Well, it might be a 'one game of each colour' thing, or he may have assumed he was the better player and given her the choice as a handicap.

[LGB*]

Hmmm May I suggest the Luzhin defence?

[LGB*]

The book The book!!!!! not the filim

[Naboo]

An uncle of mine is a superb chess player. Whenever he comes to visit we play a few games and he almost invariably thrashes me. I say almost because I have beaten him, just once. On that occasion I decided to eschew tactics and strategic planning in favour of all out attack. Whenever an opportunity arose to take any of his pieces or instigate a check, no matter how much it damaged me strategically, I took it. I won because my uncle, used to playing at chess clubs with people of exceptionally high standard employing meticulous logic and preternatural foresight, was thrown completely off guard and couldn't anticipate my moves as easily as he could've done if I'd played with established openings and gambits. Unfortunately, he cottoned on pretty quick and won our next game in about ten moves

Anyway, the moral of the story is, if in doubt, be random. It might just pay off.

[Mackay]

I think I'm saved, actually, Bob's left the club to work the wineries over vintage (a couple of months of ridiculous amounts of both work and money). I've only seen him once since, and that was for about 30 seconds It is possible I can escape!

I might try learning to play go, instead.

[wordcross]

what, so your fiancee can thrash you instead?
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Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

[Mackay]

Exactly!

(and I think it's fiancé, and that fiancée is for women. Not too sure though.)

[Ningal]

(You're quite right. It's the same distinction as between "blond" and "blonde", "brunet" and "brunette", or "né" and "née".)

[Antrax]

We are the knights who say née!

Sorry. Carry on.
_________________
After years of disappointment with get rich quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme. And quick!

[Lepton]

No, no, it's "Ni!". From the back of the throat.

[Jedo the Jedi]

Nu!

[wordcross]

Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?
_________________
Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?