Phi Kappa Puzzle
You've just arrived on U of P campus, one of the fresh faces of the class of ’68 (2168, of course), only to find that you're rooming with Sean Malfe, captain of the puzzle team, computer class president, son of rocketry trillionaire Hinty Malfe, and the biggest of the BMOC. This is gonna be a great year! "23-skidoo, Junior," Sean says, punching you in the arm, anemically, after you introduce yourself. “I hear you fancy yourself a puzzler.” You blush and nod. "Tell ya what," says Sean, "y'know, the puzzlers in the sophomore class are pretty lame, so I bet I could get you on the varsity puzzle squad right away. Whatta ya say?" Of course! You jump at the chance. Rumor has it that all the hottest people of your chosen sexual orientation and appropriate gender are on the varsity puzzle squad. "Get over to Turing Lecture Hall at seven tomorrow morning," says Sean, "We'll see what you can do."
Sean, being the Very Important Person he is, soon takes off to do Very Important Stuff, leaving you to unpack your things. That night, Sean still isn't back, and you can hardly sleep from the excitement, but soon enough you drift off. Bright and early the next morn, you walk over to Turing. You head toward the Lecture Hall, expecting to find the puzzle team engaging in some Word Search calisthenics. But when walk into the room, it’s empty! Well, almost. The only thing there is an ancient circa nineteen-eighty Betamax video player and TV with the words "play me" written on a paper taped to the screen. Pulling the paper off and hitting play, you see a scene of Sean and the rest of the puzzle team boarding a short-hop rocket with his father’s coat of arms painted on the hull. The camera zooms in on Sean, who’s hauling a kegger of seltzer water aboard. He looks up and says "If you're a real puzzler, Junior, you'll know where to meet us." He winks, and the tape ends.
What the heck? There’s no puzzle here! You've been set up! You ball up the paper and pitch it on the floor in frustration. But wait a minute! The back of the paper is covered with text. You smooth it out and take a look. That’s more like it:
1 Like Seneca/Famous Red wearable/Simplified speech
2 Pope, Mercurius /Chromosome partitioning process/Reason Ranger is not Lone
3 Noted magic dragon behavior/fruitful/Thlayli
4 Gin buddy/ Myshkin/One after David
5 What a Sgt doesn’t have/NetHack "m"/Ice, but not steam
6 Profession where stupidity is not a handicap /Bird that is no more/Bond type
7 First word of Miller’s tales /Wacky helmet material/Roosevelt contracted this
8 BooBoo’s bosom buddy/BooBoo’s bosom buddy’s basket/Thin translucent paper
9 Pole or missionary/Picture font/Unsainted Beatle
10 Type of army-less general/Jackie O hat style/hidebound man or old bone
11 ‘Husker Frank/Top beef cut/Infamous atoll
12 Roisterous punk genre/When toves gyre/Artis Leon Ivey, Jr
Time to use those puzzle skills and prove you’re ready for the varsity level. Where will you find Sean and the rest of the puzzlers?